Jay Z and Beyoncé are weirdos. Just two sneakily odd people joined together in the sanctity of marriage.
In case everything they’ve ever done hasn’t proven this point, here’s a video just released, starring Jay Z and Beyoncé, creative direction by Jay Z and Beyoncé. The short film: Bang Bang (Part 1 of 3).
What’s this Ennio Morricone–soundtracked silent film all about? To the untrained observer, it can be very confusing. Luckily, I can read lips, eyes, giggles, and meaningful nostril flares.
Also, they aren’t speaking English. Luckily — again — I can interpret the language in which they communicate, a language they created that I learned only because I once watched the “’03 Bonnie and Clyde” video backward (and underwater), an act that unlocks many secrets of the universe.
♦♦♦
Bey: Remember when we bang-banged, husband?
Bey: Well, I guess shit did go down when there was a billion dollars in that elevator. Because I’m so pregnant.
Jay: Guess what? [Blows out smoke.]
Jay: I think it’s a boy, let’s go to Popeye’s.
Bey: That’s the most beautiful shit I’ve ever heard you say.
Bey: [Pre-Popeye’s makeup.]
Jay: [Pre-Popeye’s cigar.]
Bey: Can I get three sides?
Jay: [Putting an arm around her shoulder.] Anything you want, Bey.
THREE HOURS LATER:
Bey: I’M SO EXCITED FOR POPEYE’S, ONLY TWO MORE HOURS LEFT.
Jay: You gotta be kidding me.
Jay: Sorry, Bey. [Cocks gun.] Maybe some other time. I’m hungry.
Jay: We’re eating here.
Bey: Did you HAVE to shoot the mailbox?
Old Man: Oh sure, come on in. Have some food. Didn’t need that mailbox or anything.
Jay: I’m sorry about Popeye’s, Bey. Man’s gotta eat, you know?
Bey: You look cute when you smoke your cigar indoors. But you’ll pay for this.
Jay: How about this: You stop being mad at—
Jay: Bey, don’t turn around, let’s get out of here.
Bey: [Turns around, looks at man, turns back around, looks at Jay.] I hate him, but I’m hungry. Do something, hurry.
Jay: BRB.
Jay: Your haircut sucks your glasses suck I bet you can’t even read also you ordered a burger well-done, what are you poor, also if you ever look at my wife again I’ll break one of my platinum plaques over your head and then make you listen to “Girl on Fire” until the pain goes away, which it won’t, have a nice day, also do you know where the nearest Popeye’s is?
Jay: He said 125th and St. Nick, let’s bounce.
Bey: I CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE YOUR BABY.
Man: Did Jay Z just call me poor?
Woman: Did Beyoncé just say she’s pregnant again?
Old Man: WHY DID YOU SHOOT MY MAILBOX?
Bey: POPEYE’SSSSSSSSS.
Jay: Anything you want, Bey.
Part 2 of 3, tomorrow.
