Quantcast
Channel: Rembert Browne – Grantland
Viewing all 153 articles
Browse latest View live

Songs of the Week: SCOTUS 5-4 EDITION

$
0
0

The Supreme Court of the United States had a big day today, and because five is greater than four, states can no longer ban gay marriage. Nationwide. The author of the majority opinion was Justice Anthony Kennedy. And his conclusion is one for the ages.

Jagged Edge, “Let’s Get Married”

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family.”

Lionel Richie and Diana Ross, “Endless Love”

“In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were.”

Al Green, “Let’s Stay Together (Live)”

“As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death.”

Luther Vandross, “Wait for Love (Live)”

“It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage.”

L.T.D., “We Both Deserve Each Other’s Love”

“Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves.

Sly & the Family Stone, “Everyday People (Live)”

“Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions.”

Christina Aguilera, “Beautiful”

“They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law.”

Donny Hathaway, “Someday We’ll All Be Free”

“The Constitution grants them that right.”

Curtis Mayfield, “We’re a Winner (Live)”

“The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed. ”

Roscoe Dash ft. Soulja Boy Tell ’Em, “All the Way Turnt Up”

It is so ordered.”


10 Years Ago, We Lost Luther. Here’s His Greatest Performance.

$
0
0

There’s this moment in The Original Kings of Comedy when Steve Harvey is so overcome with emotion by hearing Lenny Williams’s “Cause I Love You” that he throws an all-out grown-folks-cruise temper tantrum onstage.

nnlax

I think of this reaction when I consider Luther Vandross, in life and in death. Ten years ago — July 1, 2005 — we lost Luther. His art is still so relevant, his contributions so massive, however, that there are times I forget he’s no longer alive. But when I remember, it makes me want to kick things.

Then I smile. Because my reaction to what he did while he was alive also made me want to kick things. Not out of anger, but — similarly to Harvey — out of that “We didn’t even deserve this gift, this is the best thing I’ve ever heard. Stool, meet my foot” feeling.

The pinnacle of this reaction comes when you watch him at the 1988 NAACP Image Awards. For almost seven minutes, Vandross performed “A House Is Not a Home.” And while I have no proof, no evidence, no advanced metrics to support the feeling that this is the greatest live performance of a song ever, I’m fairly confident about it.

There are many people you could argue have the purest, cleanest, most effortless voice of all time. And attempting to have that highly subjective argument in this space, at this moment, would be a waste of time. But when that moment comes and I have to make my case for Vandross, this performance is the only evidence I’m bringing to the table. Because it’s all here. It’s all peaking at once.

Watching Luther’s “A House Is Not a Home” at these awards is to experience someone in complete control. It’s overwhelming. There’s a total lack of self-doubt displayed. You don’t feel like you’re watching a man sing; it’s closer to someone giving a speech, a sermon. It’s so natural that there doesn’t seem to be any thought behind what he’s doing. And it’s a simple performance: There are no aids to give it an extra boost. It’s just Luther onstage, with one spotlight, one microphone stand, one microphone, singing to Dionne Warwick, singing for everyone.

Before he says an actual English word in the song, the amazingly humble-but-cocky bastard hits us with a belt, a run, and some scat, just to let us know what the next six-plus minutes are going to be like, with an implied Yes, you’re welcome. And within three seconds, he has the entire room in his palm.

These opening moments are Luther, the tease, at his finest. He’s like, “I know you want this song, but first let me remind you who you’re dealing with — notes, yeah, I got ’em, Young Vandross, the Osiris of this singing shit.”

And then BOOM:

Screenshot 2015-07-01 12.54.51

A chair is still a chair
Even when there’s no one sittin’ there

After singing the second line, he just stands there, letting a few seconds go by, soaking it all in. You have to be a special type of legend to take moments within a performance to just exist. But that’s what he did, because he knew what was coming next: He’s about to destroy a note. Just decimate it. The crowd also knew what was coming, but they didn’t really know what was coming.

But a chair is not a house
And a house is not a home

Good lord, Luther. It’s not fair. Watching him gorgeously bark, “A house is not a home when there’s no one there,” you’d think he was giving an order to invade during wartime. He’s not playing around.

But then, suddenly, it’s like — is he?

nnpa8

Word, Luther? With that curl, that full curl, you’re just going to stare out into the distance, lick your lips, and then start freestyling? Oh, OK. I see.

When he goes into the next section, moving from a discussion of houses to a discussion of rooms, he does that thing where he reminds everyone on earth that he can sing lower than your favorite and higher than your favorite, and do it all in a five-second span. It’s as if he told himself before the performance, “Luther, leave no flex unturned.”

For some context, this is all part of a tribute to Dionne Warwick. And throughout the performance, many a late-1980s technological advance is shown off to remind us of this:

Screenshot 2015-07-01 13.11.44

But this isn’t about Dionne. People aren’t talking about this 27 years later because Dionne was there. It’s because Luther left it all out on the field. He did classic Luther moves. He busted out a few risky maneuvers. He tried out new stuff. It’s like watching a figure skater carry out a high-difficulty routine, knowing they need to get a perfect score. But them also knowing, deep down inside, they’re about to get a perfect score.

So he did it all. Triple axels everywhere. In a tuxedo.

Beyond the vocal triumph that is happening onstage, he’s never looked cooler. He looks like a movie star, a member of the Rat Pack, Mister Steal Your Everyone. His charm is undeniable. Isn’t that right, Janet?

nnpkl

He’s so active — especially for someone who doesn’t move his feet — and is doing so many things most professionals could only dream of, that it’s borderline sport. It’s like watching Ali’s masterful footwork, Steph Curry’s you are not real shooting drills. And as the performance marches on, it’s clear Luther knows that Luther is in a class to himself. It’s Luther challenging Luther.

“Bet you can’t throw a no-no-no-no-no-no run in the middle of the song, just ’cause, thus getting 85 percent of the audience pregnant” Luther said to Luther.

“BET” Luther responded to Luther.

Result:

nnptt

No one could flip from the Right Reverend Vandross to the main event at a bachelorette party quite like Luther on that stage in 1988. And he’s not even done. He has so many more tricks left. So much of this was preparation for a trademarked Luther move, the full crescendo from the deepest reaches of his soul, building up to some Pavarotti Vandross. The move is a no-hitter, especially when he makes a production out of it, which he always did.

nnq5g

And he’s still got almost three minutes left. Which is crazy, because he’s already completed the EGOT in the first two minutes.

Once you get into Minute 4, that’s when this goes from a legendary performance to perhaps the best-ever performance. It is Minute 4 when the whole thing could technically end. He’s sung all the words. He’s gone above and beyond the call of duty of delivering “A House Is Not a Home.” But he’s got so much more to prove. And so begins one of the great two-minute teases to ever finish a song, a tease you wish never ended.

Screenshot 2015-07-01 13.35.26

It’s reminiscent of that moment in church when a choir appears to be done with a song, but the organist doesn’t have the same plan and keeps on playing, giving it a few more verses of life, thus extending church into the one o’clock hour, causing you to miss kickoff.

Now we’re five minutes into the song, and Luther’s voice has not come close to fatiguing. He’s getting deeper into “King Kong ain’t got shit on me” mode, causing his voice to get even stronger. And all this does is make him push his own envelope even further.

At 5:20, the question of “Does Luther truly understand how good he is right now?” is finally answered. The answer is a resounding yes. At five minutes and 20 seconds, it becomes clear Luther is fully aware he’s the GOAT, because he just starts toying with us. It’s like watching the greatest prewritten freestyle of all time. The power behind him singing the word “baby” is startling. You see it coming out of his mouth, but you still can’t believe it’s real. Then he randomly starts singing “baby” repeatedly, picking notes out of the sky as he does so. And when he grows bored of that, he starts singing random phrases, semi-rapping at times, making it clear that this is all easier for him than breathing.

Dionne gets it.

nnr35

After all of this, Luther takes you down one final turn. He slows it down. Dionne starts crying. And right when he’s got everyone where he wants them — thinking it can’t possibly be any better — he finishes with that signature Vandross Earthquake.

nnrfx

May he always be remembered — not just on anniversaries, but daily — as one of the best who ever sang a note. He truly was a legend.

Naked Bieber, Jacked Aubrey, and a Life-Altering Question: Should I Get Swoll?

$
0
0

It was 1998.

I’ll never forget that year, or, specifically, that summer. It was the point in my life when, as a boy-man, the existence of a thing called muscles had recently presented itself. There was a strong sense that these “muscles” were a “good” thing to have. And beyond simply having muscles, there were things one could do to make them larger and more prominent, both of which were, again, considered “good.”

That summer, most of my lingering prepubescence had disappeared, giving way to the full glory that is puberty. And with puberty came a new hierarchy of what was important. One of the clear new additions to that hierarchy: muscles. And with that, a new routine — one beyond the simple cycle of sports, fitness, endurance, health, Pizza Hut. I didn’t know exactly how to get bigger muscles, but I knew the answer was out there. And if I figured it out, and I worked hard, I could achieve that goal.

The target, for my 11-year-old self: getting swoll.

boys-flexing-muscles-by-brick-wall-Image

When I first learned that word — swoll — it sounded like a bad thing. Who wants to be swollen? But swoll was different. Swoll meant you were strong. Swoll was an achievement. Swoll meant you stood for something. Swoll meant you were somebody. And at the beginning of summer ’98, my whole life revolved around the idea of getting swoll.

But then the summer happened. And after three months of playing tennis, doing push-ups and crunches, running, eating Pizza Hut, and lifting a variety of heavy things, the outcome wasn’t swoll. In an odd turn of events, the only noticeable change was that I was more tan. By August, it looked as if swoll wasn’t in the cards. Not at 11. And, in all honesty, maybe never.

Coming out of the public bathroom at tennis camp during the last week of summer, I saw a young man, probably 18 or 19 years old. He wore a sleeveless shirt and basketball shorts and was holding a racket. Also, he was swoll.

Slinking over to the couch in the pro shop, I watched my tennis coach shake his head in disgust as he watched the swoll late-teen walk out of the tennis center.

“Can’t hit a tennis ball to save his life. Just swoll for no reason.”

Swoll for no reason. I couldn’t get the phrase out of my head. Because up until that point, I didn’t even know you needed a reason to be swoll. I thought all settings were ideal for one to be swoll. And I couldn’t believe there was a world in which swoll was a bad thing.

Bad swoll, unnecessary swoll — maybe swoll wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. Sure, I was just telling myself that to feel better, but there was some truth in there, somewhere. And with that my swoll aspirations were no more.

Fast-forward 15 years, to 2013. For years, my body had remained slender, with the occasional bout of what they call “cut.” But even though I had some definition, I was always thin. So very thin. Have you eaten this week? thin. The opposite of swoll. And then the summer of 2013 happened, a summer in which I went on a road trip for four months and ate every single thing in America.

The body that I inhabit two years after that trip is a direct reflection of the 2013 summer. It was a great summer, the first time I learned fa sho that I wasn’t stuck being rail-thin my entire life. This body could, in fact, get swollen. And it did. And for a period of time, I loved it.

Things were looser. Loose was tight. Anyone could stay in shape, but do you know how much work it takes to get supremely out of shape? I’d think to myself, sitting somewhere for an 18th consecutive hour, drinking another Coke. What I was doing was difficult, brave.

Even if the delusion of getting out of shape as a form of martyrdom didn’t hold up forever, for months I was content with it not being “quite time” to begin my inevitable road back to a fit life. Even after a “I might vomit” pick-up basketball game, a shorter-than-normal run, or a long break to pray between the fifth and sixth flight of stairs, I was very much still on Team I Love It Here, Here Being The Place Where I Don’t Go To Gyms.

But then the past seven days happened. And now everything’s complicated again. It all started with Magic Mike XXL:

Screenshot 2015-07-07 15.08.32

Yes, the reactions by the people who are attracted to said swoll individuals could make one want to immediately change his lifestyle. But this isn’t a documentary, it’s a fictional movie. And these are actors. And they get paid to look like this. Also, they might be inflatable (ever think about that?). Knowing all that, some little “summer blockbuster” wasn’t going to suddenly get me into a two-a-day routine. It was going to take more than that.

A few days later: the ESPN The Magazine Body Issue.

bil-body-dj-1024x677

Wait, being fit looks so much fun. I want to be fit again. Look at how much fun DeAndre is having, I thought. But much like with Magic Mike XXL, I was reminded that these people are professionals. And in this case, professional athletes — it’s their job to be like this. So again, this wasn’t going to cause a lifestyle change. Not even close.

And then, last night, on Instagram, Bieber:

Screenshot 2015-07-07 14.59.51

It’s Biebervelli. Oh, the good old days of being naked on a boat in some chemically enhanced, electric-blue sea. I want those days back. I miss those days. Granted, I can have those days right now, because I still have a body and Instagram, but I’m not as excited about doing it until I get fit.

Also, this is Justin Bieber. I’m certainly not making any lifestyle changes based on Justin Bieber. He’s a child. Never that.

I assumed the subliminal messages about my own body were done, but no. Because this morning happened. A photo. Again. On the popular fitness-guilt app Instagram:

Screenshot 2015-07-07 12.50.01

Aubrey.

Why, Aubrey? Why are you doing this to me? WHY IS EVERYONE DOING THIS TO ME RIGHT NOW? To call back an old phrase, something like this could potentially mess up the curve for the rest of us. Before this, I was just out here, Lil Rembert Browne, trying to write some things, but now I’ve got this newfound added pressure, because Drake decided — out of nowhere — to just get swoll.

None of the other examples really mess with my head. But literally if Aubrey can get swoll, anyone can get swoll.

Screenshot 2015-07-07 15.15.44

After I saw that photo, it became clear I had no choice. He was creating too much distance. And I could not allow that. There can never be a world where he can just beat my ass. Oh no. Never that.

So it was settled, I thought. I was to get swoll. But after the photo had been up for a while, I heard some whispers — sentiments of old. That idea of “Why so swoll?”

Was Drake … swoll for no reason?

I don’t want to get swoll and then have people wondering why a guy like me is suddenly swoll. My worst nightmare is someone saying I’m swoll for no reason. My only reason can’t just be, “Well, Drake got swoll, so … ” Or can it? The problem that Drake — and potentially someone like myself — might have is that if people get too used to you as non-swoll, the newfound swoll can be jarring. And while many people are very pro–running through the six with my swolls Drake, the vote of confidence in his Hulk-ish look was not unanimous.

I didn’t know what to do. So I opened it up to the people. A vote, if you will, with a simple prompt: “Should I Get As Swoll As Aubrey?” And for a little over an hour, that vote happened. And then in ended.

 

Screenshot 2015-07-07 14.32.36

Well then. Looks like it’s time for me to get swoll. I really didn’t see this one coming — and really didn’t want to — but here we are. The only thing I have going for me is that my “Why so swoll?” mandate is abundantly clear — 63 percent is more than 37 percent, so I now have to get as swoll as Drake, because data.

As for why Drake is doing this … that’s still a great mystery. But if I were a betting man, I’d say he’s about two Instagram photos away from his secret goal: getting a role in the third Magic Mike. Which is ironic, seeing as how those stripper bastards got me in this mess in the first place.

‘Minions’: An Instant Classic, Probably, How Could It Not Be?

$
0
0

The time is upon us. A day the cowardly have been dreading and the brave have been eagerly awaiting.

MINIONS. July 10. That’s TODAY.

Minions_Revision_PROOFUniversal Pictures

I can’t believe it’s finally here — they’re finally here.

minions_bananasUniversal Pictures

When Despicable Me came out, I didn’t see that shit. It was 2010. The Great Recession. The money that once went to seeing animated films at the cinema was now exclusively reserved for mayonnaise and bread. Three years later, there was a sequel. Apparently, it was called Despicable Me 2. I didn’t see that one, either. I did hear the film’s trademark song, “Happy,” 272,345,124,352 times, so I felt like I pretty much got the gist. After that, I assumed I was done living alongside the franchise.

Knowing my CV — grown man without kids who isn’t even a film critic — you may be wondering, why the sudden excitement about Minions? If that’s your question, you probably just don’t get it (art), because, genuinely, what isn’t there to love?

minions_wideUniversal Pictures

Truthfully, I’m just embarrassed it took me so long to get onboard.

They’re a drop-dead gorgeous species, the Minions.

minions_stupidUniversal Pictures

That yellow is so welcoming. And they look so smart. And their shape, you just want to swallow them and then hope that they live in your stomach forever. And the Minions — they’re everywhere.

imageRembert Browne

Like absolutely unavoidable.

imageRembert Browne

It’s so cool.

Those are the obvious reasons to fall in love with the Minions. But there is something no one seems to discuss: They’re so diverse.

minions_pileUniversal Pictures

It’s hard to think of a culture — or an entire society — more diverse than the Minions. Which is why it’s not a stretch to say this: If you don’t like the Minions, you probably hate diversity.

image

I don’t know a single thing about this film, other than that Minions are in it, but I can’t wait to learn this weekend. I also don’t have a single friend willing to accompany me to see Minions, but that’s OK. Because you know the saying: No Old Friends. And that couldn’t be more true now that the Minions are in my life. And all of my human friends are gone forever.

minions_sex

The only thing I’m looking forward to more than seeing Minions this weekend are the 10,000 words I’m writing about Minions for Monday.

What an honor it will be. Long live Xenu. He’s a Minion, right?

‘Minions’ Review: An Instant Classic, Definitely

$
0
0

“Right on,” said Herb Overkill, husband of Scarlet Overkill — the most legendary supervillain of the late ’60s to the three main Minions. “You guys are crazy, little, and way yellow, and I dig that.”

Herb nailed it. But in a more real way than I expected. As in, Herb really liked the Minions and wasn’t just saying that to be cute — as in, I thought I was going to have to pretend to dig the Minions for the sake of being contrarian (which required being all in on Minions), but then actually watched the film and now have fallen for all things Minions. Protect Minions at all costs.

I couldn’t believe it. I can’t believe it. I didn’t even have to pretend. I just loved them. And loved this film.

Minions is excellent. That’s basically the review. Go see it. Feel free to stop reading, because that’s the takeaway. Good day.

If your skepticism still exists, I fully understand. I know why sitting through something like Minions seems so terrible to endure. And to be frank, there are moments early in the film when it does itself no favors. But as they say — if you give the Minions an inch of love, they’ll give you a mile.

Here’s a perfect example: The first 30 seconds of the film are enough to make someone with the agency over their own decisions leave the theater. It’s the three main Minions singing the Universal Studios theme song in that high-pitched terrible Minion voice. It’s painful. It’s terrible. I still can’t get it out of my head. And even as I sit here, ready to try to convince adults that this film is worthwhile, I’ll never forgive the creators of this film for that beginning.

Seriously, if you go see this film, find a way to skip the first two minutes. Trust me, you’ll figure out the plot.

This is Part 2 of my Minions discovery. In Part 1, I outlined the extent to which I had zero insight into the Despicable Me franchise, for which Minions is apparently a prequel of sorts. This is helpful, because Minions requires no prior knowledge. And not simply “no prior knowledge of other related films,” but “no prior knowledge, period.” You can go in dark to Minions — not having a single piece of knowledge in your brain — and still get it.

Brains are not for Minions. All you need is a heart.

In the beginning of Minions, the purpose of these creatures is made clear. There are a lot of Minions, most of whom look quite similar. Minions are a social construct, so I think it’s safe to say they’re a race. Minions have been in these Earth streets for eons, predating humans. And all that the Minions want is to be enslaved by cruel masters.

Seriously. That’s the ideal life of a Minion. Not freedom — indentured servitude.

But the Minions are morons. Actually, they’re geniuses who refuse to capitalize on their accidental genius, which in turn makes them morons. All they want is a tyrannical master to rule them, but whenever they find one, they accidentally kill it.

This is the moment every sane being would celebrate. It’s instant freedom. You won, Minion, GO BE FREE. But no, not the Minions. When they accidentally kill their rude master (examples: a T. rex, early man, an Egyptian ruler, Dracula, Napoleon), they get sad and attempt to find the next ruler who can make their lives a living hell.

The Minions had Stockholm syndrome before Stockholm existed.

The movie’s three main Minions are Bob, Stuart, and Kevin. These Minions With Attitude are looking for another ruler to make their lives hell for another 600 million years, so, led by Kevin, they vow to go out into the world and not return until they have found the most diabolical “massa” around. So they leave. And wouldn’t you know it, they end up in New York City in 1968.

As to not gloss over anything, yes, their names are Bob, Stuart, and Kevin.

Screen Shot 2015-07-13 at 1.09.52 PMUniversal

All Minions have basic names (we briefly learn of a Mike, an Earl, and a Carl). That’s a cool, endearing thing about the Minions. A not-so-cool thing is how they’re often generalized: as gibberish speakers

No. Not even close. This isn’t gibberish. Minions is a foreign-language film. Most of the time that Minions are speaking, they’re just screaming. When they’re not screaming, they’re saying words. Do I understand all of these words? Absolutely not, but the same is true when I go to Tokyo. Or Moscow. Or Jacksonville. It’s just a different culture, with a different dialect.

Don’t throw your hatred at the Minions because they’re different.

Having said that, from a comedic standpoint, this gibberish shit is hilarious. It actually grows on you over time, because you catch some real English words every now and then. They sneak them in. The one thing you can count on is the Minions saying each other’s names quite clearly. Also, every so often, like a care package of sorts, you get a “que paso.” It works, this gag. It’s a good bit they do just enough to not be annoying, and it stays funny throughout the film.

Having said that, comedy aside, this movie is super real. As soon as the Minions get into New York City, Bob has trouble catching a cab. In New York. He is ultimately mistaken for luggage and thrown into the trunk; when discovered, he is thrown into the street.

Oh, just what it’s like to be different — in America. 

“Everybody wanna be a minion, but nobody wanna be a minion.” –Anonymous

After bouncing around NYC, they find themselves in a mall and get locked inside once it closes. In that mall, they find a television, and on that television, commercials. One of those commercials is a spot for VillainCon.

The three Minions are ecstatic. They found their Stockholm. Unfortunately, it’s in Orlando. But nothing stands in the way of a Minion and his Stockholm. So they go outside.

They’re thankfully picked up by a sweet family that happens to be going to Orlando.

Who just happens to be going to Orlando? Could they possibly be going to VillainCon? Wait, there’s no way they could be villains, could they?

It doesn’t seem like it. They’re just so sweet and wonderful.

Screen Shot 2015-07-13 at 1.18.02 PMUniversal

There’s no way in hell they’re going to that den of sin. They’re probably taking a nice family trip to Epcot. I mean, there’s a baby in the car aft—

Screenshot 2015-07-13 09.31.12Universal

THE BABY HANDED HIS DAD A GUN AND THEY WENT TO GO ROB A BANK WHILE THE MINIONS WERE IN THE CAR.

This was the moment it was clear Minions wasn’t messing around. They were out here — yes, coming for every single one of your dollars — but also succeeding in trying to be an actual humorous comedy.

THERE WAS A STICKUP IN MINIONS, LIKE I’M NOT HERE FOR THAT. LIKE YOU’RE NOT HERE FOR THAT. 

In their getaway, the cops chase them and, in perfect Minion fashion, the Minions accidentally shoot a rocket launcher that stops the cops and gives them further freedom. The family becomes forever indebted to the Minions, taking them all the way to Orlando.

Upon reaching Orlando, they finally find who they’re looking for: Scarlet Overkill, the star of VillainCon.

Screen Shot 2015-07-13 at 1.13.07 PMUniversal

In an arena, she flies out and everyone loses their minds, Minions included. She’s Taylor Swift and Michelle Obama and Cruella De Vil and Serena Williams all in one. Once she quiets the crowd, her first line is this:

“When I started out, people said a woman could never rob a bank as well as a man. Well, times have changed.”

The crowd explodes. Men dressed up like their hero are near death from her presence. It’s like watching Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem play spades against Audre Lorde and bell hooks. When it comes to villainy, Scarlet is just clearly the best. Continuing her speech:

“Have any of you ever dreamt of working for the greatest supervillain of all time?”

The crowd explodes again, begging to work with her. So she offers a deal: Whoever can take the ruby out of her hand wins. And in that moment, for almost two minutes, male villains of all shapes and sizes bum-rush the stage, attempting to fight her for the ruby. And for almost two minutes, she beats up about 25 men. And none can take the ruby from her.

Somehow, in the melee, the ruby ends up in Bob’s mouth. And just like that, the commotion stops and Scarlet Overkill crowns them the winners, and the Minions become her understudies.

They’ve found their Stockholm.

Scarlet invites them onto her plane and brings them back to her evil crib in England. There, they meet her rail-thin, heady husband Herb. At their home — when they’re not public villains — they seem like a cute couple. Peaceful, even. They’ve welcomed the Minions like family, caring for them like any good hosts would treat exchange students abroad in a new land for a semester.

But then, suddenly, she gives them a mission. Not a big one; just them stealing the crown from the queen of England. Oh, and if they fail, she’ll kill them.

This is the evil tyrant they’ve always been looking for. They’re scared, but they have to do it. Also, they have to let the rest of the Minion race know they’ve found their new tyrant. And when they do (via phone call), the rest of the Minion race begins their arduous journey to England.

At this point, I’m all in on the preservation of the Minion race. I’m unable to fully explain why, but I’m emotional about these yellow, goggled non-people. They’re actually quite charming. The Minions rollout really did the actual Minions a disservice. What you think going into the film — because of the Minions PR onslaught — is that you’re going to be stuck with 100 million Minions in your face at all times. But the reality is, 90 percent of the time, it’s just three. And three Minions constitute a gaggle of Minions, and a gaggle of Minions is adorbs. As in, I think I love them. As in, don’t judge a Minion by its overbearing press campaign.

You remember that decent album that happened once, Jay Z’s Magna Carta Holy Grail — an album that was widely panned, because Samsung slightly made us hate it before it ever came out? Yeah, that’s Minions. MCHG isn’t actually that bad, but we were all so fed up by being sold tablets by way of rap, that before we ever heard it, we knew we didn’t want to like it.

If the Minions rollout had any chill, there would be no backlash. On the other hand, had there been more Minions chill, the movie may have not made $400 million worldwide over the weekend.

What really matters, though, is you think you don’t like the Minions. But if you ever choose to be brave enough to meet the Minions, you’ll probably discover your worst nightmare — you like the Minions.

But enough with Jay Z. The Minions find Queen Elizabeth. Getting her crown is not easy, however. Queen Elizabeth is from Bronxville. No joke. In her repertoire of moves: the People’s Elbow.

o5bfp

Yeah, like that’s not funny. And all while the Kinks play in the background. MINIONS IS SO GOOD I GOTTA JUMP BACK, WANNA KISS M’SELF.

Five minutes after this, Bob becomes king of England.

Screen Shot 2015-07-13 at 1.14.41 PMUniversal

Bob became king because in the Minions’ dramatic escape from the England police force, he pulled the sword out the stone (yes, that one), which automatically makes someone king, because of course. Following this, he has to make a speech as the new king. And in this moment, watching Bob make his gibberish speech at Buckingham Palace, I finally realized why this film was rapidly reaching “instant classic” territory.

It’s animated Pootie Tang.

giphy

When my damie Bob goes to make his speech, he has the classic gibberish speech movie moment. The entire populace has found nothing odd with a yellow pill becoming king of England. And when he screams “KING BOB,” everyone loses it. But then he gets comfortable, lets his guard down a bit, and really starts speaking non-words. And suddenly, he is met with a sea of blank stares, almost as if he’s moments away from the jig fully being up. So, in a panic, he goes back to what he knows, screaming “KING BOB.” And just like that, everyone is back on his side, again not finding anything odd with the fact that the new king is a yellow bullet wearing goggles and overalls.

King Bob is Pootie.

Capachow on the tippi tais, you know?

While there have been a flurry of spoilers in this review, there is no way I could go into detail about the ending. The last 20 minutes are just movie magic. Just know that Bob isn’t the king for long, the Minions get enslaved (again), all of their small yellow cousins finally find England and go full-scale Million Minion March on Londontown, one minion becomes Godzilla-size, and there’s a Randy Quaid–in–Independence Day moment that will probably make you cry.

And the best part is, when it finishes, you’re like, That was a perfect film, please don’t ruin it with a sequel. And then you remember that the sequel (Despicable Me) has already happened. And that you’re never going to watch it — so Minions can always just be Minions. 

Again, long live Xenu.

‘Meow the Jewels’: Too Many Humans, Not Enough Cats

$
0
0

Remember 2014? What a year. Seems like ages ago, but it was truly the Wild West, a time when anything was possible, like convincing 2,828 people to fund a version of your album that would be primarily voiced by felines. Such was the case for 41 days across last September and October, when Killer Mike and El-P, now known as Run the Jewels, raised $65,783  to make Meow The Jewels, a cat-remixed version of the great Run the Jewels 2.

Because cats are universally thought to be better than dogs, the excitement surrounding this project was immense. The combination of Michael Render and purrs was almost too much to comprehend. But after the successful Kickstarter, it was clear this would eventually become a reality.

Fast-forward to this weekend, to “WRTJ,” the Run the Jewels radio show on Apple Music’s Beats 1 station. During their set, they played the first full-length track from the long-promised Meow the Jewels, “Meowrly,” a version of the original RTJ2 song “Early.”

I don’t even know who you are, theoretical person who is reading this piece, but I can tell you are disappointed. It’s in the air. I can taste it. And I get it. We all are.

The song starts off so promising, with perhaps better Boots production on this than the original — and with the sound of cats and no humans. But then, out of nowhere, there’s the voice of Killer Mike. And it’s like, What the what? Thankfully, it goes back to the kitties. And then it’s like, I get it, they were just getting Killer Mike’s voice out of the way and reminding you that this is a Run the Jewels song. Ultimately that’s not what happened. After the second bout of cat screams, a FULL Killer Mike verse. And then, later, a FULL El-P verse.

Meow the Jewels: More like Run the Jewels Occasionally Featuring Cats. 

Meow the Jewels: More like Humans Are Incapable of Taking a Backseat to Kitties, and It’s Disgusting

Meow the Jewels: More like This Is the Final Straw; Cats Need to Mobilize and Rise Up Against Humans Before It’s Too Late

Can humans not check their privilege for one moment? Album after album, song after song, nothing but human voices. Just look at the top 10 songs on the Hot 100.

Screenshot 2015-07-20 15.07.02

HUMAN, HUMAN, HUMAN, HUMAN, HUMAN, HUMAN, HUMAN, HUMAN, HUMAN, HUMAN.

Diversity in music — yeah, right. There is no diversity in the music industry because everywhere you look, another human being. 

This reality is why Meow the Jewels — a truly grassroots movement that could be a long-awaited shake-up to the status quo — was considered so important. Finally, a nonhuman would get its chance to truly speak up. The public would finally get the thing they’ve been begging for, a cat rap album with stellar cat production, with only the sounds of cats. But then the moment comes, it appears, and wouldn’t you know it: humans. All over it.

And just like that, again, another chapter in the very long book, Humans Gon’ Human.

The human race just can’t let up. They refuse to make way for a nonhuman — it’s always ultimately about them. About us. We’re so self-absorbed, we make the cat album about us. It’s sickening.

I talked to a cat about this. Her name was Lunchbox.

Lunchbox: “Humans won’t let us have shit.”

I wanted to defend my species, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be like, “Ugh, I know, humans be like …” but I could even feel the privilege in saying that. I knew we were always swooping in, trying to take credit for everything.

Remember what humans did to #CatTwitter. Yeah, I know you do. One of our darkest hours. It was so disrespectful, I almost left Twitter over it.

While the public outrage over this first Meow the Jewels track is deafening, one can only hope this isn’t representative of the entire album. Perhaps “Meowrly” is an outlier and not a sign of things to come. Because it sounds amazing. And the brief parts with the cats are incredible. But there’s simply not enough cat. There’s never been enough cat.

Felines deserve to have their voices heard. It’s time. Let’s just hope that Meow the Jewels uses this moment as a source of good, and not just another excuse to profit off the cat, one of the oldest tricks in the book, one of the oldest stories of America.

Know Your Twitter Beefs: Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift and Drake and Meek Mill Go Tweet-to-Tweet Over the VMA Nominations

$
0
0

Stars, they’re just like us on Twitter … petty, typically wrong, performative, occasionally correct, privileged, discriminated against, hot garbage. Last night gave us another reminder of that, as a handful of famous-person spats took place over Twitter. That sentence alone is enough reason to stop reading this, but —

[*Takes deep breath, puts on hat that makes one actually care about these things*]

So Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill are an item and they both have phones and/or tablets and/or laptops and/or desktops and they both were on Twitter and the MTV VMA nominees were announced and neither Nicki’s “Anaconda” nor “Feeling Myself” with Beyoncé got nominated for Video of the Year and Nicki was not happy about that and began tweeting about her snub, one that she rightfully felt upset about — except for the fact the award show in question is the VMAs, which is the current cultural equivalent of Fruitopia — and alluded that her snub had to do with the fact she isn’t skinny and that she isn’t like “other” women, then using the opportunity to discuss overall black female invisibility that happens in popular culture and then Taylor Swift got involved and Taylor took the message to be a Taylor subtweet and then ended up making it about Taylor because that’s what almost-’90s babies often do and then Nicki and Taylor went back and forth a bit and then Taylor, who I have to assume thought she would never be in the middle of another race tussle after becoming best friends with Kendrick Lamar and Uzo Aduba in the past year, said she’d bring Nicki onstage if she won on some it’s-about-girl-power-not-race stuff and Nicki was like nope Taylor when you do things it’s good and when I do the same type of thing it’s bad, America the Beautiful, white media you’re crazy.

taylorswift_nickiminajKevin Mazur/WireImage

On the other side of the couch, Meek was on Twitter like duh I didn’t get nominated for a VMA because I’m the realest and they give them to white boys and then he kept tweeting and kept tweeting and then suddenly brought up the fact Drake apparently doesn’t write his own raps and that when Meek discovered that Drake got mad and that’s why he didn’t tweet out Meek’s album — which is funny because now the two beefs are about the VMAs and tweets, which is very adult — but then Meek was also like Drake didn’t even write the verse on their song “R.I.C.O.” on Meek’s album and then he repeatedly used the word “dweeb” and then reminded everyone that his girlfriend Nicki is not responsible for his success and then said that he respected Kendrick and J. Cole even though they’re different and then talked about Jay Z a little bit and then continued to shade Drake, including naming the alleged Drake ghostwriter and then reminded everyone else one last time that he does not respect anyone who doesn’t write their own rhymes and then ended it in classic Meek style, after a night’s worth of tweets, reminding you that he’s not some Internet rapper but actually gullier than thou and will air out your business and cannot help but keeping it real and is the proud owner of a rent-controlled penthouse suite in jail.

Drake Vs Lil Wayne - Camden, NJGilbert Carrasquillo/Getty Images

[*Exhales, takes off hat that makes one actually care about these things*]

They’re all rich. And tomorrow, because of this kerfuffle, they will be even richer.

Forever I Love Atlanta: Young Jeezy’s ‘Thug Motivation 101′ at 10

$
0
0

“If you’re doing better than you were doing 10 years ago make some noise,” Jeezy barked at the Fox Theatre crowd. It wasn’t your typical call-and-response concert moment. Most are knee-jerk reflexive, with the sheer act of being talked at instantly causing you to yell, your body to flail, react. But here, Jeezy’s question caused a slight hesitation in the room, a moment of reflection, before adhering with a response.

Hell yeah I’m doing better — wait, was I doing better now than I was 10 years ago? I think I am — no, I definitely am. It wasn’t easy, though. Things easily could have gone off the rails. You remember that recession? That shit was wild. Could have permanently messed up everything. You know, I hadn’t really thought about 10 years ago in a while. Been so in the moment of late. Hey, good job. This is awesome. But don’t get complacent. It could all be over in a flash. Got to keep pushing. 

And then, after that flurry of thoughts, came a triumphant, explosive response. Throughout the venue, you could feel a collective sigh of relief embedded in the cheer. A “yes” but also a “thank you for asking.” Thank god we are doing better than we were 10 years ago.

Progress is such a simple premise, but when Jeezy talks about it, it feels momentous — you can sense the levels. He’s consistently presented his lows and highs. You know how far he’s come and how much further he has to go. It’s clear that “making it” wasn’t always inevitable for Jeezy. His ability to push past some of his demons — while not quite shaking others — is possible because he is always talking about the truth of his life. For the past decade, he’s been adamant about that truth — in every noun, every verb that he raps — because he seems to have internalized his listener’s struggles. Jeezy is a cautionary tale, an inspirational figure, a fuck-up, a success story. And as long as he’s Jeezy, the lows and highs will always be there.

Saturday night, however, was an undeniable high. Here he was, standing on one of the most prestigious stages in his hometown — proudly proclaiming “selling out The Fox [Theatre] on some real n**** shit” — celebrating the 10th anniversary of his debut album, Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101. Ten years after its release, people still care about his first album — about him. Professionally, it was an achievement. Only a handful of his 2005 peers are still culturally relevant, and an even smaller collection could garner such a response for a concert, a party, a homecoming, a celebration of the anniversary of a singular work.

The night recalled Fade to Black, the 2004 documentary that chronicled Jay Z’s “last album,” The Black Album, and the corresponding Madison Square Garden concert in which a who’s who of stars touched the stage to celebrate Jay while every person in the crowd passionately rapped along to every word. For years, Jay Z was considered a talent with few peers, a man with generation-defining cool. But deeper than that was his unique ability to inspire. The motto of Fade to Black was “From Marcy to Madison Square,” signifying his origins and the possibility of where one could end up. And because of his life story, during his 1996 to 2003 arc — Reasonable Doubt to The Black Album — he was the American dream, New York City personified.

If there’s a figure in rap since who parallels Jay Z’s rise and relationship to a city, it’s Jeezy. When Jay Z ascended to the 1 percent, Jeezy was waiting in the wings, ready to seize the torch.

cover

This night was a celebration of Jeezy’s rise and progression, his talent and his cool — a continuation of “the Street Dream,” Atlanta personified. And just like Jay’s night in 2003, the response in the Fox Theatre perfectly mirrored Jeezy’s impact on music, on a lifestyle, and on a city. And his friends showed their support, too. The architect of Jeezy’s Gangsta Grillz mixtapes, DJ Drama, was on stage for the duration of the show. The producer behind Jeezy’s first hit “And Then What,” Mannie Fresh, came out. Southern legend Bun B materialized on stage to perform “Trap or Die” with Jeezy, one of the seven menacing, genre-molding Thug Motivation 101 songs produced by Shawty Redd. R&B singer and Atlanta native Lloyd came out for “Tear It Up.”

When T.I. hit the stage for the second verse of Atlanta anthem “Bang,” I was reminded of what Nick Love, former marketing director for Jeezy and his imprint, Corporate Thugz Entertainment, once told me about the two rappers: “Anytime Jeezy and T.I. are in the same room, it’s a big deal.” And it was undeniably special, in a way that felt like it may never happen again. (Just to show off, Jeezy brought out Lil Scrappy for the song’s third verse, peaking with the delivery of his line “I don’t rep the A by mistake, I do this shit on purpose.”)

In 2005, Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101 was an album that a city could beat its chest to, and then well up with pride over. Ten years later, that feeling had only intensified.

Throughout the concert, Jeezy would occasionally address the crowd, saying he knew this was supposed to be a TM 101 night, but that he lied. And in these moments, he’d play songs from other parts of his catalogue, making the night a full career retrospective, a celebration of all 10 years, not simply his first. He reunited with his old group, Boyz n da Hood, as they performed “Dem Boyz.” Monica walked out, just to wave at her city. He near-chastised the crowd, saying he was about to start playing the “hits.” And that, if you weren’t here for that, “fuck you,” he’d see you at the club after the show. Suddenly, Usher appeared on stage to perform “Love In This Club.” And then, 100 percent of Outkast landed on stage with Jeezy, following the breezy, romantic, Andre 3000-assisted “I Do” from TM103: Hustlerz Ambition. Later, Jeezy teased Kanye West with the first verse of “Put On” — and then Kanye came out to help Jeezy finish the song.

At one point, Jeezy brought out Fabo. D4L’s Fabo. Fabo of Fabo fame. Yes, Jeezy brought out Fabo in 2015. Few things can cause more hysteria in Atlanta than bringing out Fabo. But Jeezy found him, and they performed “Geeked Up (Remix)” and then Fabo did his Fabo thing while doing the Fabo dance for so long that Jeezy had time to leave the stage, take a quick break, and then return about a minute later.

In Jeezy, we saw a diverse artist, illuminating the varied musical company that he’s kept over the past decade, and experiencing the true expansiveness of his catalogue. But while underrated in his range, what remained true was that the Jeezy you got with Fabo was the same one you got with Kanye. The Jeezy you got with Jody Breeze was the same one you got with Usher. And the excitement with which he performed a no. 1 single was the same as the hood anthem that rarely leaves the confines of I-285. There’s no code-switching with Jeezy. It’s all just Jeezy.

And regardless of where Jeezy was in his catalogue, the audience was right there with him. TM 101 wasn’t performed in order, and the non-album cuts were interspersed throughout, which made every moment a surprise. But with each surprise song’s first note, an entire room was transported back to where we were when that song was released. Yes, we were being performed for, but we were also returning the favor.

Jeezy is unquestionably one of the most important characters in the rise of Atlanta toward the epicenter of the hip-hop universe. And with every passing year, it’s increasingly difficult to remember a time in which Atlanta wasn’t positioned so centrally. But when you do, you’re reminded that it began to solidify — and then perhaps peak — right before Jeezy released his debut album. And it’s no stretch to argue that had it not been for this seminal album, that peak could have led to the inevitable slide for a city and its newfound stranglehold on an industry.

The context for 2005’s Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101 is crucial, even though the album has the ability to flourish in a vacuum. It’s standalone great, but when you remember where music was before the album appeared, its existence — and success — is even more of an achievement.

Before 2005, there was 2004, the year everything came together for Atlanta. In 2003, Outkast was at the top of the charts with “Hey Ya,” and that would continue into February 2004, when Andre passed the torch to Big Boi’s “The Way You Move.” The video for T.I.’s “Rubberband Man” included a smorgasbord of Atlanta celebrity, peaking with then-superstar Michael Vick and Usher dancing in front of a 15-foot “T.I.” structure, engulfed in flames. Ludacris still had hits in heavy rotation from his 2003 no. 1 album Chicken N Beer, and would have a new slew of hits from another no. 1 album in 2004, The Red Light District. Crunk music had made it to another year, cresting in 2004 with Lil Jon & The Eastside Boyz’ Crunk Juice, Crime Mob’s “Knuck If You Buck,” and perhaps the genre’s landmark album, The King of Crunk & BME Recordings Present: Trillville and Lil Scrappy, which spawned such fist-to-palm, fight-even-when-you’re-not-happy hits such as “Neva Eva,” “Head Bussa,” “No Problem,” and “F.I.L.A. (Forever I Love Atlanta).” And the biggest album of the year belonged to Usher, whose Confessions was no. 1 for nine weeks, and included 2004’s biggest song, “Yeah,” featuring Atlanta’s own Lil Jon and Ludacris.

IMG_0758

In 2004, Atlanta hip-hop artists held the top spot on the Billboard Hot 100 for 42 of the year’s 52 weeks. It was a complete takeover of the industry. Atlanta rap radio could play the biggest songs in the country and nearly all could be locally sourced. Soundtracking the contents of my Discman, my burned CDs, my CD booklet, the pregame basketball layup line mix, the pregame house party mix, and the actual house party mix — it was all Atlanta music. Whether banging your head, jumping manically, A-Town stomping, C-walking, line dancing like your aunt and uncle, faux-shaking a picture, or attempting to grind up on someone, it was all happening to Atlanta music. Not since the Olympics had the city felt more like the center of some universe. Veteran Atlanta-based journalist Maurice Garland accurately described this era as “fertile,” saying “everyone from Atlanta was becoming stars. I could call up magazines and be like, ‘This group down here is doing this, I think they’re about to blow up.’ And then they would end up being successful.”

And while the hits were plentiful and the styles were varied, there was a common thread — dancing. Atlanta likes to move, has always liked to move. Describing the city in 2014, rapper Killer Mike said “Atlanta, for my whole life since Mojo dropped, since ’82, has had a rap presence, a b-boy scene, and it didn’t necessarily have to be break dancing because we’ve never stopped dancing. We are the city that has never stopped dancing. We have never ever, ever, ever stopped dancing.”

Mike isn’t wrong. But there’s a small asterisk beside this claim: 2005. In 2004, there was crunk. And in 2006, there was snap. But in 2005, there was Jeezy. It wasn’t only Jeezy, but no one in Atlanta had 2005 quite like Young. And while previous and future incarnations of “trap music” have made you want to dance, the genre through Jeezy’s lens was much different. And with the release of Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101, he pulled a complete 180 on the party-centric, increasingly mainstream-friendly darling that Atlanta had become in 2004.

His visualization of the trap wasn’t terribly different than previous incarnations, most notably from T.I.’s 2003 album Trap Muzik. T.I. made it explicitly clear the “trap” wasn’t for everyone. As he said on the intro of his album, “This ain’t no album, this ain’t no game, it’s a trap.” And that he was a product of said trap. And that a function of the “trap” was in the definition of the word — yes, it could often be a trap. And that, psychologically, he has never left — and probably will never leave — the trap.

But through the production he chose, T.I. also made the trap sound like a place you might want to visit. It became a place to consciously avoid that you wanted to immerse yourself in. Through T.I., you got a sense of what the trap was like. But with Jeezy, you could see it.

The first 11 minutes of Thug Motivation 101 sound like crime, in a way music rarely has. The songs sound as if they were composed, elementally, out of drugs. The beats sound as if they were exclusively made in a dungeon. In daylight, these three songs were never meant to be listened to. And not only was Jeezy a product of this environment, as he says in the opening track “Thug Motivation 101,” but he also echoes the T.I.’s sentiment that “the trap is bigger than music.” Then he takes it one step further.

These are more than words
This is more than rap
This is the streets
And I am the trap
Standing ovation

Jeezy and Usher at the 'TM 101' 10-year Anniversary Concert.

Thaddaeus McAdams/FilmMagic Jeezy and Usher at the ‘TM 101′ 10-year Anniversary Concert.

Jeezy doesn’t just present you with what he sees, it’s what he knows. But where that’s the entirety of the approach for many rappers, that’s just half of what Jeezy offers. He routinely balances that out with being a motivational speaker. He wants to tell you how it is, but he also wants people to improve. He wants to connect with people in the thick of it, but he also wants those same people to find a way out. He always wants people to do better. Subtly, that two-part premise is in the title of the album, Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101.

The world is yours, and everything in it
It’s out there, get on your grind and get it (Ayeeee)
Hands in the air (Sky’s the limit, n****)
Hands in the air (Jeah)

Wisely, he’s figured out the best way to connect, to inspire — and to not be preachy — is to be transparent. There no judgment in Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101.

In the first 25 seconds of “That’s How Ya Feel,” Jeezy describes a disrespectful encounter, a potential confrontation, advice about how to handle that confrontation aggressively, and then ends it with an exercise in how to boost your self-confidence — all while at a red light, all before he even starts rapping. 

This type of self-help might not work for everyone. And to some, this might not seem beautiful, inspirational, or motivational in the slightest. But I can speak to it directly because when the album came out, I was 18 and living in Atlanta. And when I began listening to it, I remember what happened. Ten years later, I’m still feeling the effects.

Screen Shot 2015-07-27 at 10.14.42 AM

The song that unexpectedly got me was “My Hood.” It’s a simple song, perhaps the happiest and hokiest moment on TM 101.

Every time I do it I do it for my hood
Every time I do it I do it for your hood
Every time I do it I do it for they hood
It’s understood, I do it for the hood
The streets love Jeezy and I love them back

It was what I needed to hear at 18. It was the summer between high school and college, the most carefree, confused, confident, terrified, malleable moment of my life. And not only was I preparing to leave for college, but I was leaving Atlanta. I had pride in my city — thankfully that was cemented — but who was I? How would I act when not in the confines of my city? Wait, why was I going away for college? Was this a mistake? This definitely seems like a mistake?

Thankfully, these fears were assuaged, in large part, because of this album. The messages were right there. Jeezy spelled it out. And from the moment I left Atlanta, everything I did, I had to do for my hood. My Atlanta. And I couldn’t just disappear. I had to come back home frequently. I had to tell the story of my city everywhere I went. I had to do my city proud, because I was now an ambassador for my hood. And I had to return to the places that made me. I could never be a stranger in Southwest Atlanta. They had to always be proud of me, the same way I was proud of them.

But it wasn’t just in that song. The messages were sprinkled everywhere.

I’m what the streets made me, a product of my environment (chea)
Took what the streets gave me, product in my environment (aye)

This lyric, literally, is about drugs. But if you take a step back, this lyric is not about drugs. I was a product of my environment. My family was a product of that same environment. It was clear, the moment I left, it was the thing I couldn’t ever forget.

At that time, the way books, church, the wisdom of elders were supposed to register, keeping me on the right path, the only thing truthfully doing the trick was Jeezy. The 19 tracks of Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101 were my summer reading list. “Bottom Of The Map” was filled with mantras; “Trap Star” was a hymn. The “ayeeeeeee” ad lib was just that — an ad lib — but also was a way to shout out my hometown, The A, whenever the opportunity arose. Yes, the world Jeezy outlined made me wonder about life on the other side. But nothing has ever made me want to do a little bad while inspiring me to do so much good like TM 101.

Jeezy took all the nauseating respectability out of having drive. And at that moment, as I prepared to transition from a child to an adult, that’s what I needed. Not Cornel West; Jeezy. Not Al Sharpton; Jeezy. Before I had Barack, I had Jeezy. For a decade, this album has been by my side. And walking into his 10th anniversary concert — as I approach my own 10th anniversary of leaving Atlanta — celebrating the moment with friends and strangers alike, I owed a great deal to him for not feeling like a stranger in my own city. And for my reality of doing much better now than I was 10 years ago.


Drake and Meek Mill Beef Update: Aubrey Can’t Stop Writing Dis Tracks

$
0
0

Allegedly, rappers Drake and Meek Mill are still in a beef. And to say that Drake is winning the bout is to say the globe is warming (as in, it’s up for debate, especially if you don’t believe in science). It began as a Twitter spat last week that was largely orchestrated as a power play by Meek. Since then, Drake has released numerous tracks, including one early this morning, the pointed “Back to Back.”

The Meek response, through Wednesday afternoon: the silent game.

It’s an interesting play. No one can say your raps aren’t as good as your competitor’s if you never, ever, ever, ever, ever rap again.

Anyway, because Drake is petty and we celebrate petty actions at Grantland.com, we see this as a beautiful cultural moment. And it seems as if Drake is going to continue to fuel the fire — a fire that he did not start, a fire that may have been sparked by him not having tweeted out Meek Mill’s recent album, Dreams Worth More Than Money. At this point, it’s almost as if he wants Meek to respond so he can release two more songs that you have to know he has, in drafts in TweetDeck, ready to go.

Drake’s all-out assault is not simply by way of Soundcloud tracks. He’s leaving subtweets, he’s sending radio personalities bottles of champagne, he’s referencing Toronto Blue Jays legend Joe Carter (who hit a walk-off to win the 1993 World Series, against Meek’s hometown Philadelphia Phillies), and he allegedly even made a donation to a Philadelphia area high school. Also, his annual Toronto music festival, OVO Fest, is in four days. Also, the Blue Jays are playing the Phillies tonight — in Toronto.

And if all of that isn’t enough, he’s stepping into the blog game. Just ’cause.

Grantland obtained this blog post easily enough: Aubrey Drake Graham has been ghostwriting for me since 2012. This morning, this post appeared in our content management system — a riff on the classic Gatorade ad “Be Like Mike,” retitled “Be Like Meek.”

It starts cute and then rapidly becomes very rude and petty. And we couldn’t be happier about that. Thanks for the story, Aubrey. When you said “just wait on it” that one time, we always knew you were talking to us.

Sometimes I dream
That Meek is me

tumblr_m77wmtMOhr1qjcrtpo1_500-1

You’ve got to see that’s how I dream to be

ou3ix

I dream I move, I dream I groove
Like Meek

Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 9.35.03 AM_ns94et

If I could Be Like Meek
Like Meek

Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 1.36.02 PM

Oh, if I could Be Like Meek
Be Like Meek

Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 1.09.16 PM

Be Like Meek

Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 1.37.44 PM

Again I try
Just need to fly

ou6cd

For just one day if I could be that way

ou6hi

I dream I move
I dream I groove

tumblr_n3wklbEFNC1ruc0h2o1_400

Like Meek
If I could Be Like Meek

i3FChvMm5Hzta

I wanna be, I wanna be
Like Meek

Screen Shot 2015-07-29 at 1.27.05 PM

Oh, if I could Be Like Meek

ou76x

Macklemore Has a New Song That He Should Have Let Us Help Him Write

$
0
0

Three of the decade’s preeminent black music makers — Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, and Ed Sheeran — have come together for a song, “Growing Up (Sloane’s Song).” As tribute songs from parents to new children tend to go, the result is heartfelt. I would describe the song, but why not let British blog SugarScape do the work?

A super cute, actually-really-emotional tune about Macklemore’s daughter Sloane and we’re so emotionally unstable what with everything going on right now that we’re legit sobbing. Yup.

Yup, indeed.

It is honest, vulnerable, and filled with emotions. Does that mean it’s good? Of course not. But let me tell you three things it is: honest, vulnerable, and filled with emotions.

The weird thing for me is that I sent Ben some prospective lyrics for the song, in case he wanted some help. Having a kid takes a lot of time, after all. After hearing the song, however, it’s clear he had his own lyrics in mind, and I respect that — songwriter to songwriter. But one thing is clear: He should have taken a page out of my one-page songwriting book — never rhyme and just say things.

It’s like what Jay Z said about his process: “You put the right artist on the right track in the studio, leave the door cracked, and let God in.” Yeah, that’s how I would describe the following lyrics. 

[Verse 1: For You, Macklemore, If You Want These Bars]
They say boys don’t like to cry
But your dad — yeah, he likes to cry
They say I shouldn’t cry and also should be strong
But child, I’m scared of the dark so sometimes I’m not strong
Sometimes I don’t know who I am
Or where I am
Or how I am
Or what I am
I just want to be a good dad
And raise you like your mom
And James Baldwin
Your mama and Ida B. Wells
The two toughest people I know
So you can learn to grow up on your own
I will be there for your first breath
But maybe not for your first steps
I might also miss your first soccer game
But definitely not high school graduation
I’ll give you your first cell phone
And you can stay on my family plan until you’re 32
It’s so hard juggling it all
Being a dad and being famous
Listen to George Benson and Chamillionaire
Read Toni Morrison and Tom Wolfe
Not all Tom Wolfe, though
But please read Bonfire of the Vanities.
Take it to college with you
I want to teach you how to rip The Power Broker in half
Because it’s a really big book.
And there’s no need to lug it around
Could be bad for your back
Always say you have ADHD
So you can get extra time on tests
You won’t feel good about this
But you’ll do better in school
Familiarize yourself with Frasier and Mad About You
I want you to be the kid that knows Frasier front to back
Fun fact: Frasier and Niles’s dad didn’t really have a limp in real life
Go figure
What a hero
I don’t care who you are
Where you’re from
What you did
As long as you love me
Your dad
Mackle

[Hook: Ed Sheeran]
I’ll be patient, one more month
You’ll wrap your fingers ’round my thumb
Times are changing, I know, but who am I if
I’m the person you become
If I’m still growing up, up, up, up
If I’m still growing up, up, up, up
I’m still growing up

[Verse 2: For You, Macklemore, If You Want These Bars]
There’s this trick on old calculators
Where if you type in “58008”
And turn it upside down
It spells “Boobs”
I want you to know that
Listen to traffic cops if there is bad traffic
If you run a red light
Blow a kiss up to the sky
When planes land, don’t clap
People will think you’re poor
When you get Gmail
Make sure to set up two-step verification
Only cheat on math tests
Never papers
Because teachers have the technology now to see
If you plagiarized
And it’s hard to bounce back from plagiarism
When you go to the prom
Make sure the dinner is at Benihana
Don’t eat hot mayo, study Coral and Mike
Stephen, Lauren, Kristen, Lo, Trey
Tell your mom you love her
Immediately after you tell her you hate her
Only apply to colleges that accept the common app
When you fall behind on your taxes
Don’t ignore the calls
Pick up the phone — I know they’re scary
But they really want to help you
Never pay your student loans
When you go to Chipotle
Always ask for a water, because it’s free
But then when you go to the fountain
Get a lemonade — it’ll save you a lot of money
Should Chipotle become your thing
When you find yourself in the bed of someone famous
Make them get you an Uber home
Seriously — they’re rich
Skateboarding is cool, so is drumming
Never forget that lakes are better than oceans
Race is a social construct
Adrenaline is the devil’s way of convincing you skydiving is cool
Daddy loves you. And he will always buy you Spotify Premium
Never grow up, and never use an exclamation point

[Hook: Ed Sheeran]
I’ll be patient, one more month
You’ll wrap your fingers round my thumb
Times are changing, I know, but who am I if
I’m the person you become
If I’m still growing up, up, up, up
If I’m still growing up, up, up, up
I’m still growing up

The ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Reveal We’ve Been Waiting 27 Years For

$
0
0

For six insane years, the ABC Family phenomenon Pretty Little Liars has captivated, frustrated, and tortured the teen-murder-drama-loving public with near-reckless abandon. With almost-death typically lurking around every corner for any character with a pulse, the main constant has long been a mysterious character known only as “A.” This “A” is the person/group/organization/government/Banksy that, for years, has tried to kill the Liars (and anyone they love, or have known, or have texted, or have sexted). But season in and season out, the same question remained: WHO IS A?

Last night, August 11 — the mid–Season 6 finale — that question was finally answered. But before tuning in and learning who “A” was, it was time to throw out some final guesses.

Was it big, fat, dumb Ezra? Faux-Riggins? Aria? Zayn? Matthew Gray Gubler? Toby? Garrett? Grandma? Lord Byron? Felix Da Housecat? The Hague? Alex Mack? Mona? JASON?

screen-shot-2013-01-09-at-12-54-25-pm

It was very unclear. For the longest time, I couldn’t decide if it was Emily. Or Alison. Or Allison. Or Alyson. Or Alyssa. Or Albertsons. Or Jerome. Or Rob Lowe’s Brother. Or Rob Lowe. Or Coral. Or the Miz. Or Harold. Or Meredith. Or Coffee Shop Guy. Or Mocha Joe. Or Maya. Or Noel Kahn. Or Adam Lambert. Or Nate. Or the Brit. Or Zack. OR EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OLIVER GOLDSTICK.

screen-shot-2013-03-06-at-3-15-10-pm

Everyone, at some point, has gone above and beyond the call of duty to convince those with eyes and ears that they were the dreaded “A.” Especially Spencer. And Garrett (again). And Pastor Ted. And Mom. And Paige. And Stabler. And Benson. And the Expos. And Clifford. AND OLYMPIC SWIMMER MISSY FRANKLIN.

screen-shot-2013-03-06-at-4-08-16-pm

These were all legitimate guesses. But somehow, they were all wrong. After taking a two-year blood pressure break from watching Pretty Little Liars, last night I hopped back on the train, for one night only. Confusing doesn’t even begin to explain what the experience was like, especially upon finally learning the long-awaited identity of A:

CECE DRAKE

A.K.A. CHARLOTTE DILAURENTIS

A.K.A. CHARLES DILAURENTIS

A.K.A. OLDER SISTER FIGURE TO NOT ACTUALLY DEAD ALI

A.K.A. WHA?

Cece-Drake-3-cece-drake-31597393-500-281

Of course this is how it played out. Of course the one thing I overlook is that “A” would probably be a child who was sent to a mental institution, escaped after faking death, transitioned, and became the “play” older sister to a once-thought-to-be-dead girl, but in actuality was a biological sibling the entire time and ultimately the realest killer and texted in these murderous, always-high-fashion streets.

OF COURSE.

What a show. What a journey. What a lack of you-know-whats given. These are the moments when Pretty Little Liars makes a Shonda Rhimes show look like a Bob Ross painting. With that said, this is also why I had to excommunicate myself from the Church of PLL. It’s just too much, even for me, lover of too much. But I salute the show for continuing to troll the public, especially when it’s worth assuming we’re mere months from learning that “A” isn’t even the main person to worry about.

Just wait until people start getting text messages again. From “B.”

Mac Miller Finds the Way

$
0
0

“Clean this place up! And go find some incense!”

Mac Miller is in the throes of his Miguel story. It starts with a back-and-forth Twitter DM conversation with the singer, a conversation that almost convinced him to send part of his yet-to-be-finished new album, GO:OD AM, to someone who had hacked Miguel’s Twitter account. The next day, the real-life Miguel apologized for the breach, which led to Mac asking the real-life Miguel if he wanted to collaborate on a song for Mac’s upcoming album. Days passed before Mac received a message from Miguel, and when he did, it said Miguel was on his way to the studio. Immediately. Hence the yelling about the cleaning up and the incense.

Mac tells this story in the atrium-like living room of his brand-new apartment in Brooklyn’s DUMBO neighborhood. The 23-year-old rapper is a natural storyteller, armed with the charisma of a seasoned stand-up comedian. He covers the entire surface area of the room as he glides through the story, figuratively transporting the audience — which also includes his publicist, as well as Mac’s girlfriend (and high school prom date) Nomi Leasure — into the studio with Miguel. After the cleanup, Miguel entered the studio, and Mac was instantly entranced by his Prince-like spell before the two worked on a song that eventually would make the album. Before departing, Miguel told Mac they should hang out soon, and Mac nervously responded, “I mean, I’m here but I’m totally down, just hit me, I’m down to go out, I can move shit around it’s not a big deal …” The story ends with Miguel walking out and Mac extending a longing arm in the singer’s direction, quietly — dramatically — whispering, “Miguel, wait.”

Mac may be tying up loose ends on GO:OD AM, but not everything in his life is in order. His new apartment, for example, is in complete disarray — two boxes sit in one corner, a flat-screen TV lays flat and unplugged on the floor, duffel bags are unzipped. He’s clearly still moving in. I spot a cat on the spiral staircase. “That’s Atticus,” Mac says. On a windowsill a sizable hard drive labeled “Larry,” an allusion to Mac’s producing pseudonym Larry Fisherman, sits next to a Pittsburgh Pirates lighter. Mac offers a beer, which I accept even though it’s only 12:35 in the afternoon. After a few sips, Nomi presents a second pet, this one sassily lying like royalty in a circular cat bed. “Someone gave the cat to us in the Chick-fil-A drive-through. We haven’t picked a name yet,” Mac says. And just like that, Mac and Nomi adopted a second cat.1 I continue to scan the apartment, eyes landing at my final destination: Minions slippers, one of which is filled with cash. This is a work in progress.

“We just pulled the U-Haul up last night from Pittsburgh,” Mac notes proudly. “I’m geeked to have finally made the full jump. I actually feel like this is going to be really good for me. And I hate to say ‘normal,’ but it’s dope to just pack your shit up in a U-Haul with your girl and drive to fucking New York.”

Mac in his New York City apartment.

Justin Bridges for Grantland Mac in his New York City apartment.

Mac Miller was born Malcolm James McCormick on January 19, 1992. Raised in Pittsburgh, Mac latched onto the local rap scene at a young age and was well-known by 15. “I came up in this place called the Shadow Lounge,” Mac says, referring to the Pittsburgh venue that was one of the city’s most important spaces for music and art until its 2013 closure. At the Shadow Lounge, Mac participated in the Rhyme Calisthenics MC Competition, becoming a regular well before he should have been allowed to enter the club.

In 2007, he released his first mixtape, But My Mackin’ Ain’t Easy, under an earlier, more embarrassing moniker, Easy Mac,2 thus beginning an unlikely career. For the next seven years, he would see the type of success that few independent artists would dream of. In 2009, he was firmly “Mac Miller,” releasing two mixtapes, The Jukebox: Prelude to Class Clown and The High Life. By 2010 — his senior year of high school — he’d signed a deal with Rostrum Records, the label home of Pittsburgh native (and fellow Taylor Allderdice High School alum) Wiz Khalifa. Mac would release three mixtapes for Rostrum as well as two studio albums: 2011’s Blue Slide Park, the first independent debut to top the Billboard albums chart since 1995, and 2013’s Watching Movies With the Sound Off, which sold more than 100,000 copies in its first week.

In the span of five years, Mac Miller had toured the globe and become a bona fide indie hip-hop success story. But during these years, Mac was also commonly thought of as a fratty-backpack rap hybrid, even if neither of those characterizations quite fit. Mainly, he was scrutinized for being white and suburban and doing so while occasionally wearing a trucker hat and an actual backpack.

“I had this assistant and part of what he did was wipe the coke — and sometimes blood — off my rolled-up bills. And I had this moment when I looked at my phone and saw that I had him [listed] in there as ‘Intern.’ I asked him what he had me in his phone as. He said ‘My hero.’” — Mac Miller

“In a way, based on what I was rapping about in my early days, I kind of brought it on myself,” Mac says about his initial reputation. “But I wasn’t from the suburbs, I was actually from the city. I wasn’t from the projects, but because it was the city, we weren’t that far from the hood. And I was caught up in a lot of the shit kids in the city get caught up in, but I just didn’t feel that comfortable in the beginning rapping about all the bad shit I was doing.”

In the beginning of this decade, there was something of a white-rapper renaissance well before Macklemore’s ascent, with artists like Yelawolf, Hoodie Allen, and Machine Gun Kelly rising to prominence. As has long been the case with white rappers, the barrier to entry is high, and suspicion is the audience’s default mode. And because Mac appeared at the beginning of this wave and became one of its signature figures, it was easy for him to be a target — patient zero for the white-rapper scourge.

Amid all of this — the fame, the money, the success (and the backlash) — Mac also began to develop an affinity for promethazine, commonly known as “lean.” Eventually he became addicted, leading him down a desensitizing spiral. “There was definitely a concerned period,” says Hot 97 radio personality3 Peter Rosenberg about interacting with Mac during this time. “I definitely started having conversations with people — people who like him and were fond of him in the industry — who were like, You seen Mac? How do you think Mac’s doing? I didn’t think he was going to overdose or fuck up his career, but I could tell he wasn’t doing great.”

“For two or three years of my life, I was on drugs every day,” Mac says now.

As his fame began to grow, Mac left Pittsburgh for Los Angeles, where he struggled not only with addiction but celebrity. “I was running around L.A. for three years like — you know Harold and the Purple Crayon? That was me,” he remembers. “I was in L.A. like, This is my world, it is what it is. No, silly — that’s not a door, it’s a fucking waterfall.”

Getting caught up began to catch up to him. So Mac chose to hole up, away from the world. “Being famous used to just defeat me. I wouldn’t leave my house because I was worried about someone being like, ‘Oh, are you Mac Miller?’ and then the rest of the night I couldn’t be myself.”

The discomfort caused by newfound fame, and the methods he used to cope, resulted in Mac essentially living in the studio, making song after song, theoretically in search of his next official album. Across two years, he wrote and recorded hours and hours of music — nine albums’ worth in total. But none of the completed projects was the right one.

Mac unpacks at his new home.

Justin Bridges for Grantland Mac unpacks at his new home.

“Every different project was just a state of mind I was in,” he says. “And some of them were made over months, some were in four days. It wasn’t like I kept trying and missing; it was almost like I was pushing off making the album I knew I needed to make. At that time, I just wanted to be weird and make shit without any stipulations.” Becoming a hermit, while creatively stimulating, also had its drawbacks. “There was a moment when I got really bad writer’s block. I got really scared and was like, ‘Holy shit, I burnt out.’ I thought I’d run out of shit to say.”

In the summer of 2014, Mac hit a low point, which also became a personal breakthrough. “So I’m fucked up in Europe one day, and I drunk-dialed Rick Rubin,” Mac says while scarfing down Mexican food at a restaurant blocks from his new home. “I was like, ‘Rick, dude, I’m fucked up, will you help me?’ So I went and kicked it with him for the summer in Malibu. And got clean.”

Getting clean doesn’t just happen, not even within the legendarily safe confines of the super-producer’s Malibu mecca. Part of his detox was from recording music. “I’d just go to Rick’s house every day and just sit and play the keyboard,” Mac says. “Before then, I never really played music unless I was recording it.”

“For two to three years, I was just numb,” Mac says about this period. “So when you’re coming out of that, it’s all going to come out at once. I was crying every day.”

When Mac started giving interviews after he’d begun the process of kicking lean, he’d explain the turnaround casually. In 2013, he told MTV he gained 40 pounds while using, saying, “I didn’t want to be fat on national television. I just stopped.”

While that may have been a factor, it wasn’t the whole story. He notes an encounter that rattled him in a way that vanity or health concerns never could. “I had this assistant and part of what he did was wipe the coke — and sometimes blood — off my rolled-up bills. And I had this moment when I looked at my phone and saw that I had him [listed] in there as ‘Intern.’ I asked him what he had me in his phone as. He said ‘My hero.’

“I lost it. I couldn’t stop crying. And that’s when it hit me that, even then, I could still have a positive impact on some people’s lives.”

It was then that a more serious and private personal evaluation began. “More than anything, it was mostly me realizing I needed to take responsibility for my life,” he says. “And not let this great opportunity slip away. And be a man and get myself better.”

Part of that meant gradually weaning himself off Rubin, too. “Thankfully I was in such a place of privilege where I could just pack up and go to Malibu and live with Rick for the summer.”

But he couldn’t do that forever. Over time, every day at Rubin’s became three days a week, which became weekly, which became only the times in which he’d have a relapse. Eventually, he got through that, too, and staying at the producer’s home became a thing of the past. “It was a struggle — a daily struggle — and it’s something I still deal with,” Mac says now of his addiction. You can simultaneously be through something and never fully through something, a reality he says he understands.

Between this series of scares, creative and personal, Mac’s turnaround became his new addiction. “I didn’t want to be that guy — I couldn’t be the one without anything to say. So at that point, I was like, ‘I’m going to just focus on living. And going outside. And just getting my life right.’” And he did just that, taking even more time off from recording music to focus on living his life. “I’m not 100 percent sober or anything, but I will say my outlook on life is way more positive.”

By year’s end, Mac had new publicists, a new management team in Kelly and Christian Clancy — best known as the “adults” who helped shepherd Odd Future’s rise — as well as a new record deal. In October, Mac Miller ended his run as an independent artist, signing with Warner Bros. “I didn’t want to end up doing Tech N9ne,” Mac says, referencing the notably independent, massively successful veteran Kansas City rapper. “Tech makes a boatload of money, he’s gravy. He has his whole thing. He’s killing it. But that thing exists — he already did that. I’ve proved to myself what I can do on an independent level. I’d done big tours, I’d had platinum singles, a no. 1 album — so I just wanted to see what the addition would be.”

It wasn’t Mac’s desire to be on a major label that showed a newfound level of maturity — it was the way he discussed it, and the rationale behind his decisions, that indicated a shift. “It’s been a great learning experience, because I just didn’t know this part of the game,” he says. “And now I find myself in this square one position where people are using words I don’t know. It’s like, What are you talking about, what’s that department?

Mac speaks giddily of the perks of major labeldom. He knows how hard it can be to expand your artistic vision working independently. “I’d never had a budget like this, a budget for a music video like I did for the first single, ‘100 Grandkids.’

He seems dumbfounded by his new reality, almost tickled that this has been the norm for many artists of his stature.

“We’re doing this special edition of the album where you’ll also get a cereal box. With actual cereal. And a bowl. AND A SPOON — it’s so sick,” he marvels. “And Warner literally had people to manufacture it.”

With so much of his life beginning to fall into place over the past year, there was only one thing left to do to truly start anew.

“I remember feeling like, ‘I got to get the fuck out of here or I’m finished,’” Mac says about Los Angeles. “Coming back to reality at times — it was too much. But figuring out how to process that and make music again was great. And that was another reason I wanted to come to New York, to have a chance to newly approach life, to pull back a little bit and live a little simpler. I remember talking to [Christian] Clancy and he said, ‘Reality just punched you in the face,’ so then I was like, ‘OK, I’m going to go to New York and get punched in the face with reality.'”

MacMiller_Grantland-9673Justin Bridges for Grantland

“What happened with Bill? You not gonna tell us anything about Bill Nye?”

Mac’s publicist has just taken a call with Bill Nye the Science Guy’s manager about a future potential collaboration, and Mac needs to know what happened. “Me plus Bill Nye,” Mac says, grinning. “That’s the best power couple ever.”

As we pay the check, a young woman approaches our table. “Are you Mac Miller?” she asks the person she most assuredly knows to be Mac Miller.

Though he’d alluded to a public anxiety earlier, Mac doesn’t seem annoyed, happily talking to her as she tells him about her fandom. This is part of his life now, and that’s fine. “I hit a moment when I was like, ‘Stop being a bitch, stop hiding from people, go out and enjoy yourself.’”

“I have a great time every day,” he says, “and I finally don’t feel bad about it.”

It’s a balancing act, accepting fame but also attempting to live a life with a semblance of normalcy. Like moving in with your longtime girlfriend, or worrying about the health of your cat as it heads to the vet, or reacting to the Internet going out at your new home. Or asking questions about your new neighborhood. (“Are there house parties in New York?”) And even getting starstruck around more famous people — at one point, Mac tells a story about being around Jay Z, catching himself staring in awe at Jay Z, and thinking he might get into trouble for gawking at Jay Z. (He didn’t.)

One way he’s held on to some of that normalcy is by working only with people he knows and enjoys spending time with. This has long been his formula, with many of his most notable Los Angeles collaborators also serving as his closest Los Angeles friends. Mac produced all of rapper Vince Staples’s 2013 mixtape, Stolen Youth, after the two were connected by a mutual friend, rapper Earl Sweatshirt. Mac has worked for years with the members of the label Top Dawg Entertainment, most notably Schoolboy Q, both of whom continue to instigate a joking rumor on Twitter that they’re each other’s ghostwriter.

“Everyone that I work with is a friend,” he says. “I won’t make a record with anyone unless we kick it. I want to have a story with every song. I would hate myself if that wasn’t my life. It would suck if I was on Warner and suddenly — here comes a Jason Derulo hook. And that’s no knock on Jason Derulo, but the process would be corny — unless Jay and Kanye are like ‘Drop a verse,’ because then I’m like, ‘OK, I’ll do it right now, you’ll have it in five minutes, but if you also want to kick it, too, that would be cool and great!'”

Mac is self-aware and good-natured about his career, but he takes his music very seriously, even the parts of his music that aren’t terribly serious. “When he started, he was kind of on his hip-hop shit,” Peter Rosenberg says. “But the way he lives his life and handles his career now, he’s really about his hip-hop shit. Like, studies the music. Really wants to fuck with good artists. And does it for the right reasons.”

Mac also seems to be aware of his demons and can acknowledge that he’s doing better, but knows he isn’t a saint. “There’s a part of me that is like, I don’t need shit, I’m going to rough it, I’m going to do something good for the community,” he says. “And then — I’m not even gonna lie — there’s the other part that is like, I want diamonds I want diamonds I want cars I want diamonds. I can’t act like it doesn’t exist. I can’t fight it.”

Mac sits in his music corner.

Justin Bridges for Grantland Mac sits at his keyboard.

After exiting the restaurant, we hop into an Uber back to midtown Manhattan. When I look over at Mac, he’s gazing at the boroughs that border the East River. I know that gaze — it’s that provisional period of peace that comes from looking out at one of Earth’s busiest cities. Moving to New York in your early twenties can be an overwhelming, exciting rite of passage, no matter who you are.

“When I was a kid, this was always my dream, to live in New York,” he says, still gazing. “When I was 6 years old with my mom, I had a scooter — a Razor scooter — and I just scootered around New York and knew I wanted to live here.” He had that starry-eyed Peggy Sawyer look in his eye. It reminds me this is still just his first day living in New York. And then he snaps out of it and connects the car’s Bluetooth to his phone. He dials up “Back to Back,” Drake’s dis against Meek Mill.

“My girl had to listen to me talk about the amazingness of the Drake situation for two hours,” he says. “I was like, But you don’t get it. It’s so amazing. And the Meek memes. And Drake and Kanye and Will [Smith] laughing [at OVO Fest]. It’s just so amazing. And what I liked the most about the whole thing is that this Drake dis is probably going to go platinum.” He says he loved the petty nature of it all. And because we’re both in a mood to celebrate the petty, we do as Aubrey prophesied and play the shit again — back to back.

The second time, however, we’re interrupted. Mac has a phone call. “Yes, this is Malcolm McCormick,” he says into the phone in his adult voice. It’s the vet. The unnamed cat is sick. Mac’s bummed — you can feel the sudden sense of responsibility come over him.

As a distraction, only minutes away from our destination of 30 Rockefeller Center, he throws on “Back to Back” one more time. “It’s so fire,” Mac says as we exit the car and part ways.

One week later, I head back to Mac’s apartment to hear his new album, and to hear about his first week in New York. As I knock on the door, a voice from the other side brattily screams for me to go away. A few seconds later, a smiling, barefoot, tall-tee-and-sweats-wearing Mac opens the door, welcoming me inside. I see that some things have changed, and some haven’t. The flat-screen TV? Still on the floor, still unplugged. But a Pittsburgh Steelers yellow “Terrible Towel” now hangs from the second floor of the apartment. And the Minions slippers have vanished. I see Atticus, still on the staircase. The second cat, which is upstairs, now has a name: Scout, completing Mac and Nomi’s To Kill a Mockingbird pet theme.

Instead of beers, Nomi offers coffee. Instead of going out to eat, Mac makes himself a breakfast sandwich. He offers some leftover cornbread to split, which he douses with honey after removing it from the microwave. He mentions having eaten at the local restaurant Vinegar Hill House for dinner the night before, as well as spending a long night at the West Side Manhattan bar-with-club-tendencies Up&Down over the weekend. It seems he’s been settling in, checking off boxes in his NYC starter kit.

We walk to his music corner — which consists of a white sofa chair, a laptop, speakers, and a pack of menthol American Spirits — and he turns on GO:OD AM. Occasionally he’ll yell something over the music about a specific song, a specific feature, a specific studio session. Occasionally he’ll stop it and we discuss something, like the recent death of the rapper Sean Price, with whom he had just been talking days earlier, had made music, and who he’d known for years. He excitedly talks about a track that wasn’t on the album when I was there last week, but has just gotten cleared. At one point, he stops to rave about the musician Thundercat. For the majority of the listen, however, he’s on his laptop, refreshing his Twitter timeline. The nerves from last week are gone. He’s confident. He knows this album is good.

“I’m not really worried about a leak,” Mac says confidently about an album still four weeks away from its September 18 release. “I would be worried if I had a shitty album. When you have a shitty album and everyone’s all hyped about the album and then it leaks and everyone’s like ‘eww,’ that’s where leaks kill you. But I’m not tripping about it.”

It may be good, and he may be confident, but he certainly isn’t satisfied. “He will work and change and fix things until he can’t anymore,” says Kirdis Postelle, senior vice-president at Warner Bros. “I just got a text from his manager this morning, saying there’s a little vocal thing that Mac wants to change in one of the songs, and I’m like, ‘Are you kidding me, we’re two weeks past deadline.’ But we worked it out and he’s going to get to remaster and turn it in today.”

The care for seemingly inane details, the almost procedural tinkering makes sense when you hear GO:OD AM in full. It’s as much a play as an album, with recurring characters and themes surrounding a singular figure across 17 tracks. And like any good play, there are no accidental movements — all of the blocking is purposeful. “I have good relationships with people all over,” he says, “but one of the illest parts of this album is that everyone on it is so different, but nothing sounds forced.

“This wasn’t like the last album when everyone was always in my [L.A.] house, we were always kicking it,” he says. “I figured out what I wanted to make and then at the end, would call up someone and be like, ‘Do you want to do this song? I need you to come and do this skit.’

“I want people to understand how deeply immersed I am with my own shit. I don’t have an A&R. No A&R is sending me beats that I put [a verse] on. It’s so far from that.”

Now, he’s making music for himself and for the public. “I think the fans should want you to be a perfectionist,” he says. “At this point, to have someone buy your album — you should almost kiss that person’s feet. In the type of market that we’re in, fans should demand that an artist earns it.”

He regards the past — particularly his independent rise — as proof that his musical instincts are often correct. GO:OD AM is Mac’s moment to confirm them, and to prove that he’s grown up.

After the album concludes, we walk on his patio and talk about his first week. “It’s been a long-ass week, dude, between doing press all day and then coming home and moving in, but I love it,” Mac says, reaching for his lighter while shaking his head at the grim sight of rainwater buoying a collection of cigarette butts in his ashtray. “I’m geeked to be in a city that has bodegas,” he says. “Sandwiches, beer, laundry detergent, and cigarettes — whenever — they’re the greatest things ever.”

But not everything is perfect about the mundanity of New York life. “I waited on the cable person, but they never came,” Mac says. “I called the cable company and they were like, ‘That’s a third party selling you cable?’ How is that legal?

World-famous rapper Mac Miller is griping about the city’s cable, one thing that truly brings us all together.

“So, yeah, I guess they’re coming on Thursday now,” he says, before sighing.

No they’re not, Mac. Welcome to New York. 

The World’s Leading LinkedIn Expert Advises Gucci Mane on His New Profile

$
0
0

Remember that strangely warm-but-cool, hard-but-soft, Northeast-but-Southwesterly breeze that we felt on August 21? And remember how, while taking us all by surprise, we all had our speculations about what it was? And then later in the day, when we all spoke, realizing our collective hunch was correct — that it wasn’t a breeze at all, but the Twitter account of the jailed rapper Gucci Mane alerting the world to his new account on LinkedIn?

What a day.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 11.41.22 AM

This was a major moment for me. Gucci Mane La Flare and LinkedIn, two of my most unlikely passions, joining forces for good.

To state the obvious: LinkedIn is the only non-garbage social medium. On the surface, it’s intimidating, lacks social skills, and drips with a sense of “this isn’t meant to be fun.” But then you get all up in that LinkedIn world and you realize how wrong you were. And then you remember LinkedIn is French for “positivity.”

When I go on Twitter, I’m simply logging on to be angry, to watch people be angry, or to suddenly become angry because people aren’t angry enough. Thefacebook.com is just the place to go when I need a strong #TBT from 2006. Instagram was pretty wonderful until people realized they could start ’gramming their tweets, thereby puncturing the happiness vacuum. And Snapchat: I don’t really use it because I’m an adult.

What you’re left with is LinkedIn. And what a blessing it is.

What happens when you log on to LinkedIn? You’re greeted with your timeline, one that is filled with joy. It’s not like Facebook, where the updates are like: “Bryce Bryerson says: ‘I hate my job, this blows, get me TF outta here #smh Karen gotta GO.'”

It’s always, “Bryce Bryerson just got a promotion, CONGRATULATE HIM.” Because it’s LinkedIn. And LinkedIn is German for “smiley face.”

After Bryce’s update, you see, “Tom Tomlinson got a new job — AND IT’S BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE, DAP HIM UP.” And then, “Shayla Sharonson is now the PROJECT MANAGER, A JOB SHE HAS WANTED FOR A LONG TIME, SEND HER A TEQUILA SHOT.”

I go on LinkedIn and can’t contain my excitement for humanity, for my dear professional connections. And let the record show that I’m not just saying this because of my relationship with the company.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 12.01.25 PM

I truly love it. And I think that loving environment is exactly what Gucci Mane needs.

The reason Gucci is on LinkedIn is to promote his new film, The Spot, to be strategically released on October 17 — also known as 10/17, a reference to his company, 1017 Brick Squad Records, of which he is CEO.

During my meteoric rise to self-designated LinkedIn CEO, I’ve learned so much about managing, talent-scouting, and the overall concept of freedom from Gucci Mane. And now that he’s on LinkedIn — my world — I figured giving him some advice was the least I could do.

Before I did that, however, we had to connect.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 11.27.12 AM

This is a great start for Gucci. “Entertainer/Actor/CEO” will make him stand out among his peers. And while the “Current” box is filled in, look at all that blank space. This is classic Gucci, modest Gucci. Talk about your previous work, La Flare. Your current situation is impressive, but your past is what truly separates yourself from the pack. Don’t be shy. This is your opportunity to stunt, if you will. The same way you’re doing it in that white tuxedo, I need you to do it with your words.

If I sound like a life coach, that’s because I am also a life coach.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 12.16.59 PM

When we went to connect, I was presented with a pickle. When you connect with someone on LinkedIn, you have to state how you know the person. Obviously — as is the case with all parts of LinkedIn — you can just make everything up. But I wanted to keep it real. Because this was Gucci after all, the Alpha and the Omega of the Real.

So I answered honestly with, “I don’t know Gucci.”

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 11.33.36 AM

I figured this would take me to the next level of our relationship. I was wrong.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 11.33.49 AM

How funny a moment: The security systems I put in place as CEO were now coming back to haunt me.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 1.10.13 PM

So I went back. And slightly fudged the truth. I went with “We’ve Done Business Together.” When you’re prompted with that, however, you have to explain what type of business you’ve done together. Jeez, this was complicated. But it was all worth it. Because I wanted the best for Gucci.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 12.48.33 PM

Wanting to still stay as honest as possible, I picked “Other,” which, wouldn’t you know it, led me to another set of options.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 11.35.30 AM

At that moment, everything was filled out. And just like that, “Send Invitation.” Finally, it was done.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 11.35.58 AM

Now that the connection was made, I could focus on my true mission: his profile.

Gucci’s background summary section:

This my tenth year in the industry and I am proud to be able to share my first movie ever that I executive produced and starred in on October 17th 2015. This is a great way to commemorate my ten year anniversary and I want my fans to experience this with me and help me think of the most daring and expansive way possible to bring this film to the world. I want cutting edge ideas nothing is too risky, I love the unorthodox. Burrr.

I’ve seen a great many background summary sections in my day, probably somewhere around 500,000,000,000 of them.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 1.12.14 PM

Gucci’s is a top-10 background section. He begins with facts, gets vulnerable, invites you in, gets you excited, and then says “burrr.” I don’t know who wrote this, but my first guess is either Gucci Mane or James Baldwin.

After this, Gucci’s experience section:

This my tenth year in the industry and I am proud to be able to share my first ever movie that I executive produced and starred in on October 17th 2015. This is a great way to commemorate my ten year anniversary and I want my fans to experience this with me and help me think of the most daring and expansive way possible to bring this film to the world. I want cutting edge ideas nothing is too risky, I love the unorthodox. Burrr.

Come on, Gucci. That section is good, but it’s not that good. You’re better than that. You can’t just CTRL-C and CTRL-V your way through life; that’s what got you in jail in the first place. We’ve talked about that. You have so much experience that the public is dying to know about, or at the very least be reminded of. Take advantage of this opportunity.

Next, “Languages.” Gucci picked “English.” Solid. You nailed it.

Following that, “Projects”:

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 3.10.13 PM

This is fine, Gucci. Yes, you have now told us about The Spot for a fifth time, but that’s not the issue. If you want to take this endeavor seriously, you have to get the director, Mr. BoomTown, on LinkedIn.

You. Have. To. 

There’s no “I” in LinkedIn, Gucci. It takes a village to fully complete an online profile with the sole purpose of promoting a movie, and how do you expect to succeed without the support of Mr. BoomTown?

I know what Mr. BoomTown looks like. I could pick him out of a crowd. But not everyone is as privileged as I am. And right now this is who the public thinks is directing your film:

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 3.14.41 PM

That’s not what success looks like. Talk to Mr. BoomTown. Yesterday.

And just like that, we’ve come to the end of Gucci’s profile. I’ve said it once, but I’ll say it again: Don’t fall victim to your own modesty, Gucci. There are so many other categories that you can use to promote yourself and your film. You said it yourself: “I want cutting edge ideas nothing is too risky, I love the unorthodox. Burrr.” If you truly love the unorthodox burrr, then you will take advantage of all that LinkedIn has to offer.

You know who else loves the unorthodox burrr? I do.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 3.20.04 PM

That’s why I’m here: to help you unlock your true unorthodox burrr. Gucci, look at what you can do if you put your mind to it.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 11.37.57 AM

How do you think I got this job at Grantland? Whatever romanticized story you’ve heard me tell, it’s not true. Fifteen jersey recommendations, coupled with 11 VHS supporters — that’s how you trick Disney into paying you.

And it doesn’t have to stop there.

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 11.38.07 AM

It’s LinkedIn, Gucci. You can do and say anything. I promise.

And speaking of doing and saying anything, I’ll never forget the moment when you said this, on that Soulja Boy song “Gucci Bandana”:

Gucci Badanna
Call me Gucci Montana
Gucci girl with me
Gucci bag
Gucci sandles
She too hot to handle
Hot sex, burning candles
Gucci Mane La Flare
Gucci shopping this extravagent
Gucci Mane drive a drop top red phantom
And my bed got them super size Gucci spreads
Pull up to the hood
Stop and let them jock Gucci
Broads jock Gucci, cause Gucci, just Gucci
Yeah my boxer briefs
Equipped with double G’s
Gucci key chain
Holding for my Gucci keys
Gucci down all the time in the summer time
I’m Gucci Mane
You would think that was my clothing line
GUCCI

That’s the do-and-say-anything Gucci Mane I know. Let this Gucci Mane shine in the world of professional connections. Right now, you may think you’re the one that really needs LinkedIn, but let me be the first to state the obvious:

LinkedIn is the real winner, because now it’s got Gucci.

Songs of the Week: Bieber Peaking, Carly Rae Evolving, and Pharrell Making No Sense

$
0
0

Silento, “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)”

This is not a new song. But as of right now, this is the no. 1 rap song in the country. And that will probably be the case through 2017, so just get used to it. (Warning: If you are a stickler about high lyric content, this is your song, your moment, your Ben-Hur.)

Lifehack: If you go to Chipotle and do the “SILENTO” scream but replace it with “CILANTRO,” they’ll kindly ask you to leave the line.

Justin Bieber, “What Do You Mean?”

This is a new song. This is a good song. We really don’t deserve a world where Bieber and Efron are peaking at the same time. What a perfect time to be alive or something.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, “Downtown”

This is a new song. And if imagining Russell Wilson’s haircut writing a five-minute musical about Anchorman 2 gives you the chills, you’ll probably like it.

Solange, Dev Hynes, King, and Moses Sumney, “To Be Young, Gifted and Black”

This is not a new song. But it is a new cover. Good things happen when Solange and Dev work together.

Le1f, “Koi”

This is a new video. This is a great video. I can’t stop watching this video. You should watch this video. It screams summer noooooo please don’t end noooooooooo, which I guarantee you need in your life right now.

Future, ft. Drake, “Where Ya At”

This is not a new song. But this is a new video, a video I’m only partially convinced wasn’t shot on my roof. The video is filled with Future, still fully dialed into his Zorro look, Drake doing his cool kid hallway stumble dance, and THE COOLEST DJ IN THE WORLD, DJ ESCO.

1440117709esco__1_

Pharrell Williams, “Freedom”

This is not a new song. But I think I just finished my 50th listen of it, which is the moment you realize you have no idea what Pharrell is talking about.

Lyrics that I’ve convinced myself are in this song:

“Eat all the shrimp / shrimp go a float / float in the sea / race is a myth / live like a queen / eat like a bear / feed all the toads / hats on the shelf.”

Carly Rae Jepsen, “Run Away With Me”

This is a newish song. And whenever I turn on this song, I am a caterpillar. By the time the hook rolls around, however, I am a full-grown butterfly, walking on two legs, trying to find a bodega that sells loosies. LONG LIVE THE ANTISWIFT.

Alessia Cara, “Here”

This is not a new song. But it is a from her new EP, Four Pink Walls. Cara is riding the wave that comes from associating yourself with a Drake song; in her case, a “Hotline Bling” cover. It’s a great cover, because she can really sing. “Here” is the proof she might be the truth.

LeBron James Dancing to Future’s “March Madness”

Instagram Photo

This is not a new song. LeBron James’s love for Future is not new. But this is simply the latest installment of his public nonstop adoration tour for the song “March Madness,” which he loves like Lee Greenwood loves America.

Behind the Photo: The ‘Vanity Fair’ Men of Better-Than-Ever Late Night at Their Most Uncensored

$
0
0

The October 2015 issue of Vanity Fair has a story titled “Why Late-Night Television Is Better than Ever.” The piece highlights 10 humans, who — as the title suggests — are responsible for late-night television being better than ever. The 10 humans are Stephen Colbert, Conan O’Brien, Trevor Noah, James Corden, Jimmy Kimmel, John Oliver, Seth Meyers, Larry Wilmore, Jimmy Fallon, and Bill Maher.

The article has words, but atop those words is a photo of the 10 men, all wearing suits together, and looking very much like 10 men in suits enjoying being 10 men in suits.

late-night-hosts-jon-stewart-conan-obrien-stephen-colbert-trevor-noah-sam-jones-1

The following exchange is not in the article, but is the conversation that preceded the shoot, probably. It’s our best guess.

♦♦♦

Fallon: “Wait, where’s my glass? Why don’t I have a drink? Even that guy Corben has a juice box, WTF.”

Kimmel: “Fuck you, Fallon.”

Corden: “Hey, guys, I’m James. And it’s James CORDEN, with a d. Didn’t really get to introduce myself the past few times.”

Maher: “Nice to meet you, James. Why are you wearing a suit like the rest of us? People are going to think you’re a late-night TV host.” [Runs over to Kimmel; they chest bump.]

Conan: “Not to be that guy again, but isn’t it weird it’s just 10 guys here? All dudes, again.”

Kimmel: “Fuck you, Conan.”

Conan: “I’m just saying, I feel like this group is going to be problematic if it gets out.”

Colbert: “Conan’s right. Ten white dudes is just not going to go over well.”

Wilmore: “Ummmmm, hi?” [Looks at Trevor Noah; Noah looks away, grabs phone, texts Wilmore: “Don’t fuck this up for me, this is my first meeting.”]

Colbert: “Sorry, Larry. I didn’t see you. You know I love you, man. And loving the new show.

Oliver: “Can we get this shoot over with? I actually have a good show to work on.”

Kimmel: “Fuck you, Oliver.”

Oliver: “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Roger Federer? That’s not even an insult, just a question.”

Kimmel: “Yes. Yes, they have.”

Fallon: “Seriously, why don’t I have a drink? WHY WOULD NINE OUT OF 10 PEOPLE HAVE A DRINK AND I NOT HAVE A DRINK? Is it because of my hand? Get me a juice box like Corben, that looks fun!”

Maher: “That was impressive stuff, Other Jimmy. You didn’t break out into laughter or giggle once through that bit. To Jimmy Fallon!” [The other nine men toast with their drinks.]

Conan: “I can’t lie, I love you guys. This is the best part of my week, every week.”

Noah: “This happens every week?”

Fallon: “Absolutely. Tuesdays at 6 a.m. Welcome. It’s kind of like that movie The Skulls, but no one dies at the end.”

Seth: “TELL THAT TO CHRIS HARDWICK, AM I RIGHT? AM I? YA BURNT?

Maher: “Was that a reference to your show, Seth?”

Oliver: “Bill, stop. We talked about this.”

Seth: “Thanks, John. At least someone here isn’t a complete ass.”

Oliver: “But seriously, Seth, was that a reference to your show?”

Colbert: “Cot DAMN, SETH, how does John Oliver’s ass taste, Larry?”

Wilmore: “What? I wasn’t even speaking, that was Seth.”

Colbert: “Not important. What matters is your show, which I DVR and watch twice, every day, and can’t get enough of.”

Noah: “At what point do we let a photographer come in to take our picture?”

Corden: “We shoot the shit about being men for about three hours, and then they take a picture, and then we leave.”

Maher: “What’s more rare: two blacks or two gingers in the same room?”

Conan: “Can I leave before the punch line?”

Maher: “Neither. ONE WOMAN.”

Kimmel: “Wow, that actually wasn’t offensive. Cheers to you, Bill.”

Colbert: “Kind of reminds me of my writers’ room. Only two away — I’m so CLOSE.

Fallon: “You’ll get there, baby. We all will.”

[A photographer walks in, takes one picture on an iPhone, leaves 30 seconds later.]

Oliver: “Anyone have anything else? I really need to go make another really good episode of television.”

Colbert: “I have one final thing.”

Kimmel: “Please make this quick.”

Colbert: “How come they haven’t replaced my show?”

Wilmore: “Are you serious right now?”

Colbert: “I am so dumb — blame it on the Bulleit, as they say. Larry, I mean this from the bottom of my heart: I love Black-ish.

Wilmore: “That’s not my show anymore. I have my own show. It’s in the exact spot of your old show, on the same network. And people like it. STOP ACTING LIKE THEY RETIRED YOUR TIME SLOT.”

Colbert: “Sure thing, Larry. You’re my best friend, love ya.”


A Note on ‘Jumpman’ by Metro Boomin ft. Drake and Future

$
0
0

One of the gifts of the latter days of summer was the video to Future’s song “Where Ya At,” from his third studio album, Dirty Sprite 2. The song features a verse from an increasingly swoll and bearded Aubrey Drake Graham, alongside Future Didion, who — with regard to his fashion, most notably his 10-gallon-hat look — is fully dialed in. Because it’s a union of two of the more culturally relevant active rappers — who have two of the most loyal (and occasionally delusional and always hyperbolic) fan bases — they are the immediate stars of the song and video. When you take a step back, however, you realize they are not.

The first minute of the video has Future dancing on a roof, in front of DJ Esco and producer Metro Boomin, who are really dancing on the roof. Each time Esco and Metro appear on the screen, it’s almost subliminal, lasting typically no more than a second. But in that second, you see portions of their hood ballet, and each time it’s equal parts grace and chaos.

Seeing them dance in the video changes the way you approach the song, changes how it hits you. And while Future and Drake are certainly gliding to the track, that pales in comparison to the intimate relationship Metro and Esco appear to have — physically — with every granule of it. Which should come as no surprise, as Esco is Future’s DJ (as well as the gatekeeper who decides which music plays at Atlanta’s famed Magic City Mondays, which makes him an ethnomusicologist of sorts) and Metro Boomin produced “Where Ya At.”

1440117709esco__1_

This was not the first time that Drake and Future had worked together, and as we learned weeks later, not the last, as a joint mixtape, What a Time to Be Alivewas released on Sunday night. Recorded recently over a six-day stretch in Atlanta, the project comprises 11 songs, nine of which contain both Drake and Future, with two solo tracks (one for each rapper) tacked on at the end. Again, because it’s Drake and Future, the immediate reaction is to focus on every word uttered by the two rappers and break down the hidden meanings that give insight into various disses and beefs, which ultimately will lead to future blog posts. To their credit, they do a great deal to grab your attention: 10 songs from either of these rappers would be a big deal, especially with little time for fans to emotionally prepare — that it’s a joint project only intensifies the effect.

That said, while this is certainly a Drake-and-Future collaboration, it’s a Metro Boomin mixtape. The two rappers are clearly the luxury car, but Metro as executive producer is the steering wheel. He worked on seven of the tracks, producing three of them by himself. One of the songs that he solo-produced is “Jumpman.”

For years, the many dances that have come out of Atlanta have been lyric-dependent. When it’s time to “stanky leg,” you listen to GS Boyz’s “Stanky Legg.” The only time you really “walk it out” is during DJ UNK’s “Walk It Out.” And when an entire room is ready to “swag surf,” that is happening only when “Swag Surfin” by Fast Life Yungstaz (or Lil Wayne) is blaring from the speakers.

The current trend is slightly different but still based on the same formula. The past few years — in large part due to the rise of Vine, Instagram video, and dancing Atlanta teens being the most creative humans who exist — have produced a universe of dances, most of which eventually inspire songs. The dances begin in driveways, school parking lots, cafeterias, and living rooms, and they’re recorded and shared so much that a flurry of songs are built around them. There isn’t a singular song for the nae-nae, for example, but there are many songs that are constructed (and named) in a way that allow those who want to nae-nae to do so to a variety of beats with simplistic, repetitive, “nae-nae”-heavy lyrics. The yeet began, culturally, with a Vine of a kid affectionately nicknamed Lil Meatball doing the dance on his school’s track. Because the Vine caught on and the singular move is great, many yeet-titled songs popped up, just so people could capitalize on the newest dance. Most notably, babyfaced rapper Silento has turned this entire craze into one song, “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae),” which does little more than list all of them. (It shot up to no. 3 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.)

What Metro has done on this mixtape, most notably on “Jumpman,” is to fall somewhere in the middle. The song is begging for you to do a number of already established dances (as well as ones that haven’t been invented yet, plus things that aren’t technically dances but just feel good in the moment), but nowhere does it tell you what to do. The instinct to do certain moves is in the DNA of the song. Listening to “Jumpman” for the second time, I was already dabbing in my chair, unaware for a few moments that I was dabbing in my chair. The song was built for it. And we know the song was built for it because we’ve seen Metro glide to his own creations.

The production swells and relaxes throughout, with the smoother periods hinting that you were only bars away from hitting the move of your choice. And Drake and Future do exactly what Metro’s production asks for, taking full advantage of their ability to use ad-libs, hit high notes, or repeat the same word at the end of bars, using them right when the beat asks for the listener to hit a dance move — that classic Atlanta one-note dance move.

There are two parts to Atlanta dance music right now, the on- and off-beat moves. It’s a game of constants and variables. The constant is the move you always come back to, the move that happens every four beats, the thing that gets the name, the glory — the nae-nae, the dab, the yeet, the whip. The variable is what’s happening on those other three beats, the freestyle, the do whatever you want as long as you make it back to some socially agreed-upon move by beat four. 

“Jumpman” comes at a time when there’s a surplus of fun shit to do when a good rap song comes on at a party. In a little over three minutes, one could pull out nine or 10 moves, plus all the freestyle that comes between all of those moves. It brings you back to Esco and Metro on the roof, where each time you catch a glimpse of them, they’re doing something slightly different. Essentially, it’s a master class of production and rapping and context firing on all cylinders, all very much firmly within the pantheon of Atlanta hip-hop, most of which was meant to be played loudly, played in public, and, above all else, danced to.

Hpnotiq, a Love Story: One Man’s Epic Journey to Rediscover Hip-Hop’s Most Notorious Blue Liquor

$
0
0

The following is a love ballad, a cautionary tale, a story of what happens when a resurrected icon meets a soon-to-be champion.

♦♦♦

Monday Night, 9:09 p.m.

“WHAT UP,” I scream into the phone. “Um, hi, I’m outside with your package,” the nervous voice responds. “Oh, sorry. Hey, coming right out.” There is absolutely no reason for me to yell into the phone. I don’t know the number that called, but it has a 404 area code — my area code — and something about that made me overly comfortable with this stranger. I run outside, get the package, and come back inside.

It’s two bottles of Hpnotiq.

Yes, I’ve had Hpnotiq delivered to me via UberRUSH on the first school night of the workweek. In 2015.

In 2004, I’m sure this would not have raised an eyebrow — ordering a delivery of this refreshing blend of premium French vodka, exotic fruit juices, and a touch of cognac on a Monday night was as common back then as going double platinum. But this is 2015, a full liquor generation past the height of the blue drink.

I need this Hpnotiq, because something important is happening, right under my nose. Hpnotiq is trying to make Hpnotiq happen again.

Cam’ron, as a spokesman for Hpnotiq, in 2015. They’re actually trying to do this, for real. And I am absolutely here for it. Hpnotiq is throwing house parties where Cam’ron and other artists perform real-life Cam’ron and other artist sets, but in the name of Hpnotiq. That, too, I am here for. For years, I’ve had the idea to gather all of the mid-aughts lyrics centered on Hpnotiq and celebrate them in all their glory in the form of an Internet blog post. But it never came together, because it was potentially a piece about Hpnotiq roughly 10 years too late. But now that this glorious wormhole has presented itself, it’s time.

If I’m going to do a deep dive on Hpno, though, I’ll need to become excruciatingly familiar with the beverage. “Know your subject,” as they say. The irony of my love and obsession with the drink is that Hpnotiq’s glory days were the years leading up to when I could legally drink. Had it been a consistent part of my life, I’m sure the allure would not be there. But Hpnotiq was the thing my friends and I wanted, because it was the thing we didn’t stop hearing about, and the thing we couldn’t readily have.

Tuesday Morning, 10:45 a.m.

This is a terrible idea.

IMG_1906

That first sip of Hpnotiq is my breakfast. It’s over ice, and while it’s delicious, I can’t stop looking at the bottle. There is so much left. And the glow within the bottle is almost taunting me — daring me — to enter, like a bioluminescent bay in Vieques. I spent so much of my sub-21 years wanting to behave as my favorite rappers did, and now the moment is here. I thought I was ready, but maybe I’m not.

For people of a certain age, the early 2000s were the greatest time to be alive. I was on the youngest end of the range for this generation, as I was comfortably in my high school years. When you’re in high school, you’re too young to do everything, which makes it the perfect age to try to do certain things and fantasize about other things. You’re not grown, but you think you’re so close to being grown that you’ll do anything to feel grown. The people you admire are older than you and they talk about things they’re doing, which resonates with you, because it’s all right outside your grasp.

You couldn’t pay me a million dollars to relive a single day of it. I miss it so much.

Tuesday Afternoon, 12:45 p.m.

I’m starting to like it.

IMG_1910

I know how deceiving a liquor bottle can be, but I don’t care. Looking at the Hpnotiq after my second mugful, I’m sure that I’m halfway done. This is easy, I think. I love Hpnotiq and Hpnotiq loves me. I am in such a good head and health space that I begin my deep dive into what I always felt was true, this period when rap couldn’t escape discussing the liquor.

The truly amazing thing about Hpnotiq, and its glory days from 2003 to 2006, was that in 2000 it didn’t even exist. Its cultural rise went from its creation in 2001, to its owners bulldogging the drink into New York City clubs in 2002, to Fabolous having a sip of it in P. Diddy’s then-restaurant, Justin’s.

The first time I remember taking note of the drink was on Fab’s landmark 2003 album, Street Dreams. Loso could not stop talking about Hpnotiq. In the current age of brands and “influencers,” words are rarely spoken unless work behind the scenes has taken place to perfectly curate a message. But this was 2003. And while official liquor placements in videos did eventually take place between the rapper and the drink, at least in the beginning it seemed as if Fab just really liked Hpnotiq.

The following is all from one album:

Uh, hold up Cain, uh, why wouldn’t I have samples of raw (uh huh)
In Akademik sample velours
Hpnotiq samples to pour
The European sample Azure
—”Why Wouldn’t I”

I’m particularly picky
When it come to licky licky
Have ’em slidin’ off them Vickies quickly
Under the doo-rag thick three sixty
It’s the hypno and sticky icky
—”Not Give a Fuck”

Ain’t no tellin’ what this hypno’ will do to me
I’m feelin’ like I can do what I want now
Dip-low immunity
—”This Is My Party”

These lyrics spoke to me then, but they really speak to me now. Because at 12:52 p.m. I finally get it. If there is one phrase that sums up my current existence, as I crawl back under my office desk to pour a third glass of Hpnotiq, it’s “Ain’t no telling’ what this hypno’ will do to me.” All I can assume is that, most likely, it’ll be something great.

Tuesday Afternoon, 1:26 p.m.

Just following instructions.

IMG_1911

On the back of a Hpnotiq bottle are instructions about how to best indulge in the beverage. And the scripture reads:

Always serve chilled — on the rocks, straight, with vodka, rum, champagne, or added to martinis, margaritas, shooters, or your favorite cocktail for a unique twist.

There wasn’t Vitamin Water Formula 50 in the early 2000s, but I assume they would have added this to the list. Because, lordamercy, this is a phenomenal creation I’ve made. Also, it’s relevant because if there’s someone who cared about Hpnotiq back in the old days (2006), it was 50 Cent.

Now homie, I say I “run it run it” cause I’m in control
Hpnotiq, Hennessy, a couple shots of Patron I have you feeling aight
—“You Don’t Know” (Eminem song)

2006 was the tail end, however. People were still talking about it (most notably, Jeezy on “Go Getta,” the Game on “It’s Okay (One Blood),” Crime Mob on “Rock Yo Hips,” Lupe Fiasco [in a negative light] on a few occasions on Food & Liquor), but what happened between 2003 and 2005 made me think it was the only thing they served at these things called “clubs” that one day I would excitedly try to attend but then be denied entry.

And it wasn’t just rappers. From a 2003 People:

Screenshot 2015-09-24 09.52.13

Hpnotiq was spreading to the general celebrity public, even making its way into a Sex and the City episode. This mainstream acceptance was noteworthy, but the thing that continued to fuel the machine was still hip-hop and the liquor’s nonstop appearance in songs. A collection of the (non-Fabolous) greatest hits from 2003:

Cause I’m the best that ever done it, the best that lived it
I ain’t no overnight success goddamnit I was born with it
The Prada mama, the Dolce and Gabbana drippin
The Blue Hpnotiq Martini Mimosa sippin
Y’all better team or get it together
Or you, you and her can get it whenever
—Lil’ Kim, “Came Back for You”

She at the bar stylin’ she throwing it up
She drink a little hypno, throwing it up
—Joe Budden, “Pump It Up”

Countless cars and countless charges
Street n​-​-​-​-s makin blunts out of Cuban cigars
Big body leaners Hpnotiq by the liters
With a flock of hoes on us cause our chronic is the greenest
—WC, “Gangsta Nation” (Westside Connection song)

Gas, break, dip, stop, and go
Ride the strip, hit the sto
You know that I bought it, you know that I got it
Had to cop a bottle of the blue Hpnotiq
Incredible Hulks, you know what I mean
Mix it with some dark and watch that shit turn green
—E-40, “Act a Ass”

Hpnotiq in my drink (that’s right!)
Shake ya ass till it stink (that’s right!)
Mr. Mos’ on the beat (that’s right!)
Put it down for the streets (that’s right!)
—Missy Elliott, “Pass That Dutch”

I think I got a Hpnotiq
Drunk got me singin bout it
Back off in Cali like Cool J
Fresh on the scene with Sade
—Nappy Roots, “What Cha Gonna Do? (The Anthem)”

My girls know who I be (true)
My girls like VIP (true)
And they like Hpno-I-C (Que)
And they ain’t tryin to show you ID (true)
—Kelis, “Milkshake (Remix)”

After that we go to my room for the after, after party
Y’all know what happens next
Hpnotiq and a rated X
Got her singin’ the greatest sex
—R. Kelly, “Gangsta Girl” (Big Tymers song)

Speaking of Robert Kelly, he really wanted people to know that he had Hpnotiq essentially on tap in 2003. He brought up the liquor again in “Snake (Remix),” which he performed at the 2003 BET Awards, dramatically beginning his set with the lyrics, “First we’re gonna pop open a bottle of the Hpnotiq / No more time waste, let’s get this party started.” One of the rappers on that remix? Cam’ron.

As they say, what a time to be alive. And now, finally — 12 years later — alone, from my desk at work, in the middle of the afternoon, I can really understand what they’re talking about.

Tuesday Afternoon, 3:50 p.m.

Things have gone terribly wrong.

IMG_1915

I don’t know why I had sushi for lunch. Why on EARTH would I have sushi for lunch? Anyway, a word to the wise: Don’t eat sushi after your third cup of Hpnotiq. It’s almost 4 p.m. and I’m having trouble staying awake. I also have the chills. Also, I just got very warm. I wish I weren’t wearing a sweatshirt. I wish I were wearing a swimming pool. Also, I just asked someone how many Tums one can take in a 30-minute window, because my chest is on fire. Also, I think people are beginning to notice what I’m doing under my desk, because the last time I just stayed there for a while because my left eye started to tear up.

I hope this espresso helps. I’m not mixing it with the Hpnotiq, I just need another stimulant to try to counteract all the blue gak running through my veins. Also, when I went outside to get the espresso, someone walked by and said “go rebels.” It’s really disarming for a white man to walk by black you and look you in the eyes and say “go rebels.” I think my Hpno instincts told me to swing on him, but then I looked down and saw I was wearing an Ole Miss sweatshirt. I think I still tried to trip him up.

I think everyone in the office knows. People keep walking by my desk, looking at me, and not saying anything. I think there’s a mole in the office. Why is there so much Hpnotiq left?

How did Twista do it? Twista loved Hpnotiq. I bet he still does. Look how much Twista loves Hpnotiq.

Cuz I’m coming some pimp tight game
Iced out charm
Chromed out truck
Come through balling like I really don’t give a fuck
Blowing a fatty of the purple with the windows up
While I’m sipping on Hennessy and Hpnotiq getting stuck
—”Do U” (Do or Die song), 2003

Take the Hpno to the dome
Smokin when I’m rollin, wood on chrome
—”Rubberband Man (Remix)” (T.I. song), 2004

Girl you know you get me so erotic
Especially when I be sippin’ Hpnotiq
Got me feelin like I’m smokin on chronic
When we fuckin’ it be so exotic
—”So Lonely,” 2006

Give you Hpnotiq to get you erotic
And then I take you somewhere exotic
Where we can blow chronic
—”Diddy Rock” (Diddy song), 2006

I just had one of those bad burps.

Tuesday Late Afternoon, 5:15 p.m.

Help.

IMG_1917

I’m fine, but something terrifying has happened and I don’t know what to do. I spilled a little Hpnotiq on the carpet because my Montessori pouring skills have begun to falter.

Screenshot 2015-09-23 15.25.07

Two minutes later:

Screenshot 2015-09-23 15.25.07

As I said earlier, help.

I’m not sure if this rap lifestyle was ever for me. How did they drink so much of this drink in the mid-2000s? Some of my heroes would stop at no length to talk about the joys of mixing Hpnotiq and Hennessy, as if it were cheese eggs and cheese grits. I spent so many years yearning for this lifestyle, and now that I’m here, maybe it wasn’t for me from the beginning.

Seriously though, people loved to mix Hpno and Henny. Especially in 2005.

You don’t wanna run up on a n​-​-​-​- in the club
When I’m gone off that Hpnotiq, Henny, and that buzz
—Master P, “Yappin’”

I hit the stage buckin’ hard, got the whole club rockin
Hennessy and Hpnotiq got me thinkin’ ’bout the projects
—Webbie, “Full of Dat Shit”

One cup of Henny, one cup of Hpno
If you ran out of it, yo, you got to get more
—Kanye West, “Tim Westwood Freestyle”

Towel under the door, we smoke until the day’s end
Puff puff and pass, don’t fuck up rotation
Hpnotiq for Henny? Now n​-​-​-​- that’s a chaser
—Kanye West, “We Major”

I’ma hit the bar up, put some Henny in your cup
With the Hpno, girl you incredible, sexy
Two-way text me on the Blackberry
—Phoenix Orion, “Don’t Hurt Nobody” (Canibus song)

And I’m chasin’ it down, with Henny and Hpno’
Two pulls and pass, you know how fast the weed go
—Tony Yayo, “I’m So High”

There’s no Hennessy here, so that’s not really an option. But I think I know the next best thing.

Tuesday Evening, 6:05 p.m.

I’m baaaaaaaaack.

IMG_1919

Introducing: The Wintertime Incredible Hulk. Ingredients: Hpnotiq (obviously) and a Lemon Zinger hot tea K-Cup from the office kitchen. Not only is the warmth soothing the chest pains that may never leave, it’s beyond tasty.

I’m in an incredible mood. Pretty much everyone has left work, but I’m just hitting my stride. Just jumped into a little transcribing, and the Hamilton soundtrack has never sounded better. If you haven’t listened to Hamilton after finishing three-fourths of a bottle of Hpnotiq, you haven’t truly experienced the theater.

In addition to 2005 being the year that people embraced the true power of the mix, it’s also the moment, perhaps, when Hpnotiq got too big for Hpnotiq. It was actually everywhere. A little-known rapper, Kendrick Lamar, named a song of his “Hpnotiq,” and he didn’t even reference it in the lyrics. It was just a good, cool thing to name the song. If you needed to discuss anything that was blue, Hpnotiq was the go-to metaphor (“My raps are chaotic, your face blue like Hpnotiq / Cause I’m a multi-millionaire who still using Ebonics” —Ludacris, “Family Affair”). The Syleena Johnson song “Hypnotic” wasn’t spelled like the liquor, but it was clear it was playing off the fame of the drink. The hook:

Hypnotic, hypnotic, hypnotic (hypnotic), hypnotic
Hypnotic, so hypnotic
Your love is so hypnotic, hypnotic, hypnotic, (hypnotic), hypnotic
Hypnotic, so hypnotic (so hypnotic)
Your love is so (your love is so)

Lines from the verses:

R. Kelly: I’m like a pimp with a twist / Hpnotiq with the Cris’

Fabolous (yes, he’s back): The game is hypnotic, somethin like the blue drink / You see me on the hood, frontin’ with the blue minks.

The cultural imprint of the liquor was so big, it was as if the only direction it could go was down. Which, unfortunately, is exactly what happened.

Tuesday Evening, 7:20 p.m.

It’s time to leave work. And I’m so close.

IMG_1923

The day has been filled with ups and downs. With that said, I think I get Hpnotiq now. And I’m kind of glad that only on a few occasions could I get my hands on this as a kid. Because an entire bottle of this is not for kids. Really, if I’m being frank, an entire bottle on a Tuesday afternoon is probably only for myself and famous rappers. I get it so much that I’m convinced I don’t need to finish the last bit. So I decide that I’m done. Enough is enough.

I decide to get in a cab, because I’m a little too self-conscious at the moment to get on the subway. This turns out to be a bad idea. Because this is when the city starts talking to me.

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 3.16.35 PM

Seriously? Nike-fueled subliminal messaging telling me to do a chin-up and then have one more glass of Hpnotiq? Unreal. But it’s not over.

IMG_1942

YouTube’s in on it too? What does this even mean, anyway? All I know is that I’m convinced it’s an ad pushing me in the direction of finishing this Hpnotiq.

But it still isn’t done.

IMG_1946

NO IT WASN’T, SUBLIMINALS FROM A BIG APPLE NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN. EVERYTHING IS NOT GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

I can’t deal with this, being tormented for being a quitter. I know what I have to do: ask Siri.

Screenshot 2015-09-23 16.06.06

Useless. It’s time to go home and handle this, once and for all.

Tuesday Night, 9:59 p.m.

I’ve eaten dinner, gotten some air, had some very chatty conversations with cab drivers, but now it’s time. At some point, you have to be like, what would Twista do? What would Fab do? What would Lil’ Kim do? What would Kanye do? What would Crime Mob do? What would that guy who rapped on the Canibus song do? I know what all of them would do at a moment like this.

IMG_1961

Finish the damn Hpnotiq, like a champion. So I do what all champions do: dig deep, find the strength you didn’t know you had, take out two ice cubes from the freezer, and let those final seven drops fall into your mug.

One second later, it’s done.

IMG_1965

On September 22, 2015, a child name Rembert Browne has finally become an adult. And to only one thing does he owe this achievement: the refreshing blend of blue stuff known as Hpnotiq. I’m so glad you’re back. To all the rappers old and new, it’s time to fire up the old Hpno metaphor machine. Today is a new day. And while it may be months before I can even look at that second bottle of Hpnotiq, to the rest of you, jump in. The water is premium, it’s French, and it’s chilled.

#Holywatergate: The Theft of a Pope’s Beverage Rocks Washington, D.C.

$
0
0

Sometimes the Internet completely lets you down. And then you have to do things to make the Internet aware of your disappointment with the hope that it never happens again.

Last week, His Holiness Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the Vatican City State, Servant of the servants of God made a trip to the United States, beginning in Washington, D.C. When His Holiness Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the Vatican City State, Servant of the servants of God arrived in the nation’s capital (unclear if by BoltBus or Megabus; awaiting confirmation, check back for updates over the course of the year), he first went to the White House to meet with the First Family, followed by a parade, the midday prayer, and Mass at the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception.

Things were going great for HHFBORVOJCSOTPOTASPOTUCPOIAAMOTRPSOTVCSSOTSOG, until his next stop: Congress. The “Pope” (as some lazily refer to him) was set to address both houses of Congress. And then he did just that. As he walked out, most of the room’s attention was focused on Pope Francis, since he’s the Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the Vatican City State, Servant of the servants of God. All but one person:

RepBobBrady

He used to be known simply as Representative Bob Brady from Pennsylvania. That was until, like a villain in a Scooby-Doo episode, he used the diversion of “Pope” to steal the drinking glass used by His Holiness Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the Vatican City State, Servant of the servants of God.

Bob did that. And then he kept going.

Pope-Drinking-GlassStan White/U.S. Rep. Bob Brady’s Office

Yes, he took it back to his Congressional Office Hideout, drank from it, and then passed it around like he got a free bottle of coconut Ciroc at the club.

092515-wpvi-rep-bob-brady-pope-glass-4-img

This is not why we’re here, however. I couldn’t care less about Congressman Bob Brady and what he steals. Or what he said was an approved steal. Or that he claims he’s going pay for it. Or that he admitted to His Holiness Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the Vatican City State, Servant of the servants of God that he did it. My concern is the degree to which this story was covered, ad nauseam, without bringing up the obvious origin story to his nefarious ways.

Most stories reporting on his heist eventually were like, This isn’t the first time Brady has robbed someone more important; he also took Obama’s glass at his first inauguration. That’s cool and all, but again, it’s not the story.

When one speaks of “Pope” and “theft,” only one thing should pop into your mind:

It’s the 12th episode of the seventh season of The Golden Girls. Titled “The Pope’s Ring,” the episode centers around Sophia stealing Pope John Paul II’s ring during his visit to Miami. As you remember, Sophia and Dorothy have two tickets to the papal Mass, and Dorothy’s super excited, but then Sophia comes in and tells her she traded their two terrible tickets for one really good ticket just for her, so she can be closer to the Pope and ask him to bless her friend Agnes. Blanche, hearing the story, is skeptical that Sophia will be able to get the Pope’s attention, until Sophia says she thinks she’ll get the Pope’s attention pretty easily.

Screenshot 2015-09-28 14.31.34

Later in the episode, Sophia returns home from Mass and shows off a new collector’s item: Pope John Paul II’s ring. Dorothy doesn’t believe it’s real, but Sophia assures her it’s legitimate (“You think he’d wear his fakes in public like Zsa Zsa?”). Dorothy needs the full story, so Sophia sets the scene. She’s at Mass, and then sneaks into the handicapped section. When the Pope arrives, he comes to that section and she bends down to kiss his ring. As she’s going to kiss it, security comes and takes the Pope away. And then she tells Dorothy, “He leaves the ring behind, as a memento.”

Screenshot 2015-09-28 14.39.57

Dorothy, knowing her mom very well, follows up with the only appropriate response: “Mom, you stole the Pope’s ring?”

Screenshot 2015-09-28 14.40.55

Sophia doesn’t want to give it back, suggesting that maybe it’s a sign and further wondering if perhaps her having the ring would get her into the Bible. Dorothy’s not having it, and tells Sophia she has to return it. Before Sophia gives it back, she tries to test out its powers, waving her hand over a glass of water, seeing if it would turn into wine, and then when it doesn’t, saying “Worth a shot.”

The next time we see Sophia, it’s when she walks into the kitchen, crashing a typical Golden Girls late-night chat session. Her question to the group: “This may not be a good time, but has anyone seen a large jewel-encrusted ring that’s steeped in history just lying around lately?”

Sophia lost the Pope’s ring, which is certainly the only thing worse than stealing the Pope’s ring.

Dorothy helps Sophia look for the ring, and then has a weird hunch something is up. Questioning her mother, she suddenly threatens to flip her upside down and shake her and see what falls out of her pockets. At that point, Sophia pulls the ring out of her pocket.

Sophia lied about losing the Pope’s ring so she wouldn’t have to return it, which is even worse than losing the Pope’s ring or stealing the Pope’s ring.

Ultimately, Sophia’s absolutely blasphemous ways end, as she returns the ring to a priest, and then her friend Agnes actually gets a blessing from Pope John Paul II (played by Eugene Greytak, who also portrayed Pope John Paul II in Night Court, ALF, Sister Act, Murphy Brown, Naked Gun 33 1/3, Ally McBeal, and The Wayans Bros.). He visited the hospital that Agnes was staying in and gave her the blessing that Sophia sorely wanted, the thing behind all of her scheming ways.

She’s a lot like Congressman Brady, except she does it for her dear friends and he robs Popes for his mantle of thievery.

There is no moral to this story — I’m simply disappointed that our country’s foremost political bloggers don’t watch enough Golden Girls. That’s all. Good day.

Genius: A Conversation With ‘Hamilton’ Maestro Lin-Manuel Miranda

$
0
0

This morning, the MacArthur Foundation announced its annual “genius grant” recipients. Playwright, composer, singer, rapper, and Washington Heights native Lin-Manuel Miranda was among the 24. The 35-year-old is currently on his second tour of turning Broadway on its head. His first, the musical In the Heights, which he composed and starred in, won four Tony Awards in 2008, including Best Musical, and a Grammy for Best Musical Show Album. It was a 2009 nominee for the Pulitzer Prize in Drama.

Now he has delivered Hamilton, a musical based on the life and death (spoiler) of Alexander Hamilton, his decades-long feud with Aaron Burr, and, in turn, the birth of the United States. Like Hamilton himself, the reality of Broadway is that if your show is going well, you’re always doing that show. Catching Lin-Manuel when he’s not performing is a tough task. In mid-September, between a 2 p.m. matinee (in which his understudy, Javier Muñoz, played the lead)1 and an 8 p.m. show in which he would perform, we met at the Richard Rodgers Theatre.

We spoke twice. The first time was in his dressing room as he ate the grocery store sushi that you get in the plastic case and which you always hope was made that day. After half an hour, he departed for his daily duties in the Hamilton lottery outside the theater. Dubbed “Ham 4 Ham,” it’s a beautiful, insane display of fandom, with people putting their names in a hat to get an opportunity to see the biggest show in town. Half an hour later, after the crowd had dispersed, we sat alone in the seats that he looks out on every night.

Act 1: Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Dressing Room, Saturday, 5:30 p.m.

It’s been interesting watching Hamilton become “a thing” beyond the crowd that follows Broadway. When I saw the show, Lenny Kravitz and Lee Daniels were sitting across from me — at first they were chill, but by the second act they were completely into it. That was wild for me to see. I’m sure it also is for you — not only seeing them after the show, but seeing them while you’re performing.

So, the scariest show we have done — and it’s all been easy since then — was three weeks at the Public Theater. Busta Rhymes is in the front row. Listen, this is an unapologetic love letter to hip-hop. [Rappers] didn’t come see In the Heights. A couple people did, Run-D.M.C., a few other old heads that love the genre in any form — they came. I was so nervous, [Busta] was in the front row, he took a redeye to get there. And I remember we were doing “My Shot,” and back at the Public, it was literally a “Pass the Courvoisier” line — it was, “Rise up, don’t this shit make my people wanna rise up” — and I saw him go [mimics big smile] and whisper to Riggs [Morales, a longtime record label A&R]. My feet are off the ground I’m rapping so hard because, you know, I got into a fistfight to get the last copy of “Scenario” when I was 13 years old. It’s the only fistfight I’ve ever been in in my life. I was like, Don’t look at Busta, don’t look at Busta. Then I look into the second row and Mandy Patinkin is sitting above Busta Rhymes. If there is a Busta Rhymes of musical theater, it probably is Mandy Patinkin. And it was just fucking crazy, when the people you’ve emptied your pockets to see are seeing you. It’s a crazy feeling. It’s both ennobling and totally humbling and totally terrifying. But after Busta, everything was cool.

Les Misérables is playing next door to the Richard Rodgers Theatre. I know you love Les Mis.

It was my first show.

It’s not just that you have a show on Broadway — if you literally take a step back on the street, your show and Les Mis, the show that helped mold who you are, are on the same block.

The things that you can see in Hamilton that are affecting people are also present in Les Mis. One, it’s trying to capture so much of the human experience that even if we fall short, we’ve got a lot of it. I mean, Les Misérables starts in prison. It’s “Look down, look down, you’re standing in your grave.” And then it goes up from there. And in terms of musical theater, it’s the opposite of what most people’s prejudices with musical theater is: It’s not sunny and uplifting. I think that’s why it struck such a universal chord with people. This is not happy show tunes. The one they do give you, it’s prostitutes. And it comes with this ironic twist.

It’s like a masterclass in how to use themes in order to take a short circuit to someone’s tear duct or heart or gut. You see Valjean at the end and they play that music that was playing when Fantine died and it’s like, we know what’s coming — OH SHIT. “NOW YOU ARE HERE.” — NO, FUCK FUCK FUCK. [Mimics wiping away tears from his eyes.] Like, we just know. And it’s a masterclass. So those are the things that I always responded to. There’s just so much in it, it’s such a full meal. I have so much fun quoting Les Mis to Twitter and shit, because I could do it forever. There’s literally a line for every occasion. It hits everything. The musicals that leave us kind of staggering on our feet are the ones that really reach for a lot. And so, we’re trying to do that.

Backstage at the Richard Rogers Theater.

Backstage in Miranda’s dressing room at the Richard Rodgers Theater.

In the Heights came out at an important time for me — 2008, the recession, terrified to leave college in this climate, not knowing what to do with my life. I knew I wanted to write, but then saw the show and felt like there was the option to create something. In The New Yorker, you mentioned two things that kind of showed you the light. One was Rent.

Rent was the show that made me want to write. Or that showed me you’re allowed to write.

And the other, your going to Wesleyan, taught you that you could write about (or even talk about) where you’re from.

I got into Hunter [College] Elementary when I was 6 years old. So already, it’s like, they call me Lin at school and Lin-Manuel at home. It’s also super stark when there’s another language involved. I speak Spanish at home and English at school. And I’ve had all white Jewish friends from the time I’m 6 years old.

I saw Rent, I loved writing musicals, but the first two musicals I wrote in high school, they sound like Rent. There’s no Latin anything in them. It wasn’t out of shame or embarrassment, I just didn’t bring anything from home to what I was writing. It was just like, “This is for high school and I’m writing about high school shit.” So one of them was about an unchaperoned party and I think I gave one of the kids a Latino last name. But they were all white Jewish kids playing the parts in the show. And then I lived in a Latino program house my sophomore year at Wesleyan. It was called La Casa. It was such a dope house; you had to write an essay to get in about why you were a Latino community leader, and that was the first time — this was my version of your experience — there were kids whose parents owned bodegas, and there are kids whose parents were both Wesleyan alums and they always knew they were going to Wesleyan and they’re Latino, but they’ve got the code switch down easy like I do. And it was inspiring — like, we could make a Marc Anthony joke before the English-speaking world knew about Marc Anthony, and it was also coinciding with when Ricky Martin did “Cup of Life.” It was the Latin pop boom, suddenly Marc Anthony is singing in English, Enrique Iglesias was a thing — I was figuring out these things about myself at the same time that the world was figuring out that we had something of value to offer, musically. Oh, look at you guys.

These were some of the perfect storms that led to In the Heights. One of the other parts was The Capeman, which was going to be the great brown moment in musical theater, and it lived and died my senior year of high school. I was directing West Side Story; I wanted a life in this business. And there was this show written by fucking Paul Simon, starring Marc Anthony and Ruben Blades, two of my heroes — it just came and went. And it was us as gang members in the ’50s, again. It’s like, two musicals about Latinos and they’re both about the same fight. And so a part of me was just fueled off of that — we should be able to be onstage without a knife in our hand. Once. So that was a big creative fire.

The other real shit was that my high school girlfriend and I were still dating and we should have broken up like two years prior. And she suddenly went to study abroad, and then I had all this fucking time and angst about where we were and what we were doing. So there was this sad love story that took place in Washington Heights and I used hip-hop and I used the same cocktail that ended up in the final product. It was this love story about these two people who could never be together, because that’s what I was going through in my head. And so all of that formed to help make that first draft of In the Heights. I’ll never forget, there’s a scene when Usnavi [played by Miranda] and Benny [Christopher Jackson] are freestyling on the street and they’re rapping and looking out and seeing the audience physically go like this [mimics perking up]. Yes, they liked the show, it was well received at Wesleyan, but I saw a physical reaction on the hip-hop numbers. And was like, Oh, this is some new shit.

I remember seeing In the Heights, but I also remember that in-between period. Living in the Village, going to Le Poisson Rouge to see your group Freestyle Love Supreme perform. But by 2012, I remember beginning to think, with regard to you, Was that it? And I know if I thought that, there had to be some extent to which you thought or felt that. Because so much of In the Heights is that classic first-album thing, where you put your entire life into that first thing, and then it’s like — so do you have anything left to say?

I was pretty Zen about it, honestly. Well one, I had the idea for Hamilton when I was still in In the Heights. So, again, impossible to overstate: The success of In the Heights gave me a life as a writer, a career as a writer, it said, “You belong here.” Nothing will ever do for me what that show did — from broke to not broke — in every respect.

But you actually felt like you belonged on Broadway?

So that’s the interesting thing: When my wife and I got married in 2010, we went on our honeymoon and — again — I have the idea for Hamilton, and I wrote the King George song on our honeymoon without a piano around, and then when I got back from our honeymoon our producers were like, the show’s closing. So that was the starter pistol of Oh shit, I won’t have a show running on Broadway, which was my steady source of income. But at the same time, I was a big film buff growing up. And the book whose advice I really followed concerning that “first album-ness” of Heights was Robert Rodriguez, Rebel Without a Crew. And he said, “Just don’t let them know what your sophomore project is.” And he just went and did a bunch of random shit. He did Four Rooms. And he did a Showtime movie. And he did so many random little things that people couldn’t just say, “Well, when’s your next movie?” So I did this West Side Story translation. I cowrote the Bring It On musical. And I did each one — it was never in my soul and bones to write a musical about cheerleading. But I knew I’d learn a lot watching Andy [Blankenbuehler] direct and writing with Tom [Kitt], who to me is one of the best melodists of our generation. Watching him think through an idea and see it go through his filter — it was like, Oh, I’m going to learn some moves.

It was a way to stay sharp.

That, absolutely, but just learning new shit. I had to write backward for Bring It On, because Andy was so specific about the tempos of the songs he wanted. I’d start with the tempo, I’d start with BPM, and he would be like, “ca-ca-ca-ca-ca, ca-ca” and I would write that down, and then build a song backward from the rhythm, as he had it in his head. Which was great, because now I know how to do that. I knew I had Hamilton in my pocket and I knew I needed to focus and time to get it done, and that was the hard part, because I have a family and I’m trying to support them.

Yeah, it’s hard to just stop.

But Do No Harm was like a writing residency for me. It was a bad NBC show and I was sixth on the call sheet and I took the job because I was like, it shoots in Philly and you’re going to be killed off in the 11th episode. So it was like signing a potential seven-year contract, which I was not interested in doing or going to L.A. I wanted to have time to write. I would have days free in Philly to write.

Miranda in 'Do No Harm.'

NBC Miranda in ‘Do No Harm.’

Act 2: Richard Rodgers Theatre, Saturday, 6:15 p.m.

Even before you’d finished Hamilton, were you already writing a character with Chris Jackson in mind?

He was always George Washington. He’s just got that moral authority. He had it as Benny. In the beginning, someone was like, “Why do you have Chris playing this Lothario? Chris is so much more interesting than the character you’re writing.” So once we started writing for Chris, it became this R&B sound within the Latino thing, and it totally elevated the character. So this time I started with Chris. We didn’t know if Chris was going to do it, but it was going to have Chris’s skill set. You’re going to be able to spit and then sing an R&B ballad, like he’s this mash-up of Common and John Legend, fused into one person.

A reality of this musical is that there are many standout characters that are not your character. People come away from it raving about Daveed Diggs’s portrayal of Thomas Jefferson.

That’s most people.

Like, maybe he did Thomas Jefferson better than the actual Thomas Jefferson. And Leslie Odom Jr. as Aaron Burr.

I stupidly gave him a lot of the best songs.

Just layups.

“Wait for It” and “The Room Where It Happens” are two of the best songs I’ve ever written in my life and he got them both.

It doesn’t feel like the Alexander Hamilton show, as in you and some background singers.

I don’t know how to do that. Heights wasn’t like that either. Usnavi is the narrator, but he’s offstage a lot of the time. I honestly think it’s because school plays were my way into theater. I think I’m always subconsciously trying to write the ideal school play. Lots of parts for everybody, great parts for women — don’t forget, more girls try out than boys in the school play; everyone gets to be in the school play. When this gets done in high schools, they probably won’t double the parts. So you’ll have two different actors to play. I think it has an enormous amount of resonance to double the way we’ve doubled, but it’s a way to get more people in the school play. But it’s interesting: With Heights, we studied Fiddler on the Roof a lot. That’s the best way to introduce an audience to a community that’s ever been written. So what can we learn from that? And there’s a lot of similarities between our opening number in Heights. With Hamilton, it’s not about a community. In the abstract, it’s about the creation of America, but it’s about this fucking one guy who just blazes through. Born, keeping score, and counting time. So we studied Sweeney Todd a lot. And we studied Gypsy a lot. Shows where the structure is, there’s one fucking character and they’re a life force and you’re either an obstacle or you’re a friend but get the fuck out of the way. But at the same time, it’s so much fun to get to write about these people we think we know, because they were in a history book. And be like, oh yeah — Jefferson’s going to be dressed like Morris Day. And that’s all Paul [Tazewell]. The leaps they took from the music into the other departments are so incredible. I grinned so hard when I saw Andy’s staging for this at first, and they introduced Jefferson and he’s walking down the staircase and everyone’s scrubbing the floor. They got it, before I even had to say anything. Like, yep — there’s Jefferson, talking eloquently about freedom while a slave shakes his hand and he goes like this [looks disgusted]. That’s Jefferson, write more eloquently about freedom than anybody, but didn’t live it.

There are some artists — Kanye West stands out — who treat music secondarily to telling stories and changing people’s perceptions of things and fucking with people’s heads.

But even if you hear him describe his music, he talks about it like paintings. It’s visual for him. Which I found really interesting. I saw some interview with him where he was talking about creating the beats and he’s like, “I’m making a painting here.”

When it comes down to it, if you had to pinpoint one thing, is it making musicals? Is it telling stories? Is it filling in the gaps of American and New York history? Is it being part of a musical theater lineage that connects you to people like Sondheim and Hammerstein?

Well, I’ve learned an enormous amount from that lineage, quite literally. Getting to work with [Stephen] Sondheim. Getting to talk to [John] Kander. Getting to talk to Sheldon Harnick. These are the guys that do it the best. That’s the thing the theater affords you. I don’t think Hollywood really affords you that, or even music. Because everyone kind of works in their own world. There’s a Nashville world, there’s an Atlanta world, there’s an L.A. world. But everyone that’s the best at this works in these blocks. These 15 blocks. And so I’ve been the beneficiary of an enormous amount of knowledge from that. I’ll tell you, the person I talk to the most about the show is John Weidman, who wrote the book to Assassins and Pacific Overtures. And I have emails to him where I’m like, “I’m getting lost in the research and I feel like I’m fucking drowning.” And he was super encouraging. And I think that’s just true of musical theater. I talk about this with Tommy [Kail, the director of Hamilton] a lot. Directors don’t ever get to work together. Like, there can be collegiality, but they’re all up for the same gigs. I can’t write Next to Normal. I can’t write Fiddler. It wouldn’t come out of me like that. And I also think because composers know they have to collaborate for the theater, composers for the theater are among the most generous creative artists I’ve ever met. Because there’s no competition between me and Bobby Lopez, you give us the same assignment, we’re going to write two totally different things. So we could just be friends and talk about that shit. And so, I find it a very welcoming world. And a world to learn from.

That being said, there’s other shit I want to write. It’s interesting, I think of it as, What’s the thing that’s not in the world that should be in the world? Heights is very much like, there should be a show with Latino people where we aren’t gang members and drug dealers, because that’s been super well represented already. We’re good on that. What’s the other thing? With this, I read that book [Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow] and it was such a perfect marriage of form and subject, and it was like, this music is the only way you can tell this guy’s story. You could do a Les Mis–type musical about Hamilton, but it would have to be 12 hours long, because the amount of words on the bars when you’re writing a typical song — that’s maybe got 10 words per line. Whereas here we can cram all this shit in all the margins. One of the last things I wrote for the show was one more fast rap for Lafayette, before he hands off a letter. Because I had Daveed. And he’s just the fucking best. And there was an opportunity. It was just them vamping, like, “Get your right-hand man back, unh, get your right-hand man back [scratches].” And it was like, no — we will fill that with stuff. It’s like Mad Magazine, where Sergio Aragonés is drawing cartoons in between the cartoons. There’s a lot of that in the show. I could just fill it with everything I think I know and the story allows that because it’s such a rich story. So, OK, I’m going to write a “Peter Piper”–type rap for “Washington on Your Side” and have them all trading back and forth, yeah. It allowed me to make a paella because it’s so rich.

One of the great buried ledes is how it does come back to New York, how it comes back uptown.

A detail that I couldn’t get into the show. It ends with Eliza [Hamilton] and it’s all about her 50 years alive after Hamilton died. Something else: Eliza established the first school in Washington Heights.

Really?

Yeah. And we had a line. And I put it in, where it was like “the first school” — and they went, in Washington Heights. I took the melody from my own shit in In the Heights, but it was just too on the nose. You just can’t. Even though it’s historically true, I can’t actually say “in Washington Heights” at the end of my fucking show. But it was there to be mine.

You didn’t even make it up.

So imagine, I’m reading this book. And then I read that in the closing chapter. It was a confirmation — I was supposed to do this.

I did find it fascinating that one of the artists you’ve cited as a musical influence, and you can hear it from time to time, is Outkast. For me, Outkast did what both Rent and Wesleyan did for you: They taught me I could write and that I could write about home. Part of my job is to tell a story about my home when I’m not there. Because once you leave, you become a representative of what a lot of people know about a place, and people are going to take cues about a place off of what they get from me.

You’re an ambassador.

They gave a lot of people that confidence to do that about their home. That’s part of their arc.

They’re our Lennon and McCartney. They’re hip-hop’s Lennon and McCartney. Down to the double album where they each do one thing, which was like the “White Album.” And you’re just grateful that they did shit together as long as they did.

I’ve always treated everything we’ve gotten in recent years as playing with house money. Just grateful for anything.

I remember one of my best friends from high school played me Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik, when I was too young to even fully absorb it. What I knew was all East Coast hip-hop. And nothing else would go into my brain, like, my body rejected it, was like “I don’t know what this is.” I literally don’t understand what’s happening, didn’t process it. And then Aquemini came out my freshman year of college. And it was the soundtrack of college. And then by Stankonia, it was all I listened to.

This may be a tangent, but I think about Andre 3000’s verses on all these random songs as these little orphans. Like someone needs to put them together. Like, “Sixteen” on the Rick Ross album is the most incredible thing I’ve ever heard in my life: “while I’m jelly beans descending / into the palms of a child,” like what the fuck is even happening? And it’s hiding inside a Rick Ross song. And “Walk It Out.” And “Pink Matter.”

How did you decide to essentially make Hamilton without dialogue?

We actually went down the road with a playwright. There’s a version of Act 1 where we had songs and they were the songs that are in the show, but we found that if you start with our opening number, you can’t go back to speech. The ball is just thrown too high in the air. So then the challenge for me became, how do I write scenes that still have this hip-hop feel? And that’s when I would listen to “Friend or Foe” by Jay Z on a loop. And like, most people if they’re writing hip-hop for theater, think it needs to sound a certain way. And that’s where growing up with hip-hop actually comes in handy, because we know it contains everything. I can write the most conversational, Reasonable Doubt–era Jay-Z: “Don’t do that, you makin’ me nervous / my crew, well, they do pack / them dudes is murderers.” That level of conversationalism is what you’re trying for in the scenes. But then there’s the songs that are heightened.

Something that happens so often with minority figures, in the arts or otherwise, is this sense of responsibility. Have you wrestled with that? I’m sure you felt it in In the Heights, too.

I did, and I got pitched every Latin-themed anything that was coming from anywhere. So, we’re not Hollywood actors, in that we do the thing once and then we hope they like our movie in a year. We’re chefs. And not like Raekwon, like we got a five-star review and you’re coming to see our show tonight and we’ve got to cook the same meal for you that we cooked for the critic that gave us the five-star review. It has to keep going, and it keeps you humbled. I’m drinking this shit that’s fucking terrible with parsley and lemon and ginger and swiss chard, because it’s good for me. Because you have to keep making the meal. Just the work of that is humbling. But the relaxing two hours and 45 minutes of my day or spent during the show, because I’m not supposed to be doing anything else but that. Everything else is crazy.

Good crazy or bad crazy?

Just, Gerard Butler standing next to Justice Kennedy crazy.

It’s famous person Mad Libs.

Every night is Mad Libs. But also, you don’t ever want to get used to it or take it for granted. You want to be pinching yourself the whole time. There was a rapper that was supposed to be coming — not going to give his name up because he’ll come eventually. Anyway, they were trying to get him in, it was tough to get him a ticket, I helped get him a ticket, I literally kicked a friend out. And then he didn’t show. And I found out like 15 [before the performance]. And I spent the opening number pissed off. I can’t fucking believe I kicked my friend out for this rapper, and then I was like, “I don’t ever want to be the guy who is in my hit Broadway show and mad because the most fam— one of the most famous rappers ever isn’t there. I have to get that shit out of my system.

Check your priv.

It was the ultimate check my priv. I almost got hit with a chair [during] the number and I was like, “OK, check your privilege.” I can’t be in that headspace and make this thing. So doing the show keeps you honest, keeps you humble and focused and grounded.

This interview has been condensed and edited.

This post has been updated to correct one name and clarify another. Tom Kitt composed the music for Bring It On, and Tommy Kail is the director of Hamilton.

Three Pivotal Scenes From Jamie Foxx’s Upcoming Street-Dancing Rodent Movie ‘Groove Tails’

$
0
0

Big news from Hollywood yesterday: The next film featuring Academy Award–winning actor Jamie Foxx has been revealed. That film: Groove Tails.

I learned this via another human saying it aloud in my direction, and then I was asked to guess what it was about. I was fairly certain I knew the entire plot, but never forget homophones is cray. I thought it was Groove Tales, as in a midlife crisis film starring Jamie Foxx as the newly divorced Melvin, who, after years of working his way up through the ranks at Goldman Sachs (and, in turn, not giving enough time to his marriage), starts over and experiences single life — which quickly sees Melvin getting his groove on with a heaping helping of mates, leading him into a downward spiral of sex and drugs and clubs, and then he dies.

But it was Groove Tails. So I asked for one more piece of information. What I was told, by Deadline:

The story, set in the world of competitive street dancing competitions, but for mice, follows “Biggz”, a mouse deep in debt to a local club, hoping to clean up the streets from a group of menacing alley cats, and get the girl.

Now we’re getting somewhere.

Immediately, I knew exactly how this movie was going to play out. I think about this precise film plot biweekly. But since I refuse to spoil all of Groove Tails, I will limit my insight to how I’m sure it begins, a key scene in the middle, and a hint at the dynamic ending.

♦♦♦

Opening

Narrator: “Biggz never knew when to call it a night. It was true his whole life, even when he was a little mouse baby. It was part of the charm that Biggz would be known for throughout Cleveland. ‘There goes that boy Biggz. He never knows when to call it a night, which — I must say — is part of the charm that Biggz is known for throughout Cleveland,’ a mouse would say as Biggz walked by. Whether it was one more hand in spades, one more drink at the bar, or one more episode of The West Wing on Netflix, you could count on Biggz to push it further than anyone else. This got Biggz many friends, but occasionally it also resulted in an assortment of enemies.

Last night, Biggz knew he should have gone home. But, again, he didn’t. And what happened resulted in enemies who would forever alter the course of his life.”

[Cut to the previous night, as we enter the mouse after-hours club at 4:30 a.m.]

Biggz is drunk. But not bad drunk — fun drunk. He got a late start to the night and is catching his fifth wind. In classic Biggz fashion, all he wants to do is dance. Also, he got a text that one of his old crushes, Dianaz, is at the after-hours. Biggz and his boy, Tomz, walk into the place, and it’s a good scene. Full, but not too full. Smoky, but not too smoky. Loud, but not too loud.

Biggz spots Dianaz and they start talking. And then they start dancing. And then they start making out, just like two drunk-in-love mice often do. They’re in the corner and it’s getting pretty hot and heavy. As they’re up against the wall, however, Biggz bumps into a lit candle. That lit candle falls into a garbage can. The fire grows in the garbage can, and then the garbage can catches on fire, which soon causes an entire wall to become engulfed in flames.

Biggz sees what has happened (and what he may have caused) and looks out to see if anyone has noticed. Three gigantic rats in tuxedos are staring right at Biggz and Dianaz. The three giant rats are furious and look as if they’re about to come right at Biggz and Dianaz. But before they can begin their approach, a wooden plank from the ceiling falls between them and immediately catches on fire. It’s clear this place is about to burn down. Biggz and Dianaz make a run for it to avoid burning to death and to escape from the trio of gangster rats. The two disappear into the night and head back to Biggz’s house, where — in a fit of emotion and passion — they make crazy mouse love, hoping to forget about the traumatic experience they’ve just been through.

The next morning, Biggz wakes up and Dianaz is gone. His first assumption is that she left for work, but then remembered Dianaz doesn’t work on Tuesdays. A little puzzled, and very hungover, he walks into his kitchen to make some eggs and sees a note on the table.

image1-11

Biggz is horrified. “I never know when to call it a night, which — I must say — is part of the charm that I’m known for throughout Cleveland,” he says. His questionable ways had finally come back to haunt him, in the form of a $2 million debt to the wrong rat guys, as well as the abduction of his boo-thang Dianaz. And to top it all off, he has only six hours to remember how to battle-dance.

He knew how — it was part of his dark past. But he has long put those days behind him.

s4te7

If he were going to do this, he’d have to confront his demons. Dig into his former self. Call up some old friends. And do whatever it took to get the money, get the girl, and get these menacing rats off the streets of Cleveland, once and for all.

♦♦♦

The Middle

It’s an hour until the competition. But his crew is motivated.

s4tvq

And strong.

s4tym

And talented.

s4u3o

And they’re almost ready.

♦♦♦

The Ending

I’ll go only into limited detail so as not to ruin the buildup from the first three hours and 15 minutes of the film, so just know that the ending is darker than anything you could ever imagine. Nothing can prepare you for how Groove Tails ends. I’ll just say this: There will not be a Groove Tails 2. And the club may or may not ever get rebuilt. And Biggz may or may not end up with Dianaz. And Biggz’s crew may or may not win the competition. And, in an insane turn of events, all the cats in Biggz’s crew may or may not kill all of the rodents (Biggz, Dianaz, Tomz, and the three rats).

Congrats to Jamie Foxx. Can’t wait to see this film come to life.

Viewing all 153 articles
Browse latest View live